I survived the first year

I have considered many times what the first anniversary of Bryan's death would be like for me. I did not want to see July 10th ever again. I really did not want to participate in the entire month of July either, but the month came anyway. July 4th came which was the last holiday we would have together. It was a similar but very different day. Old and new friends, old and new memories. July 8th would have been our 11 yr wedding anniversary. Last year, we spent the day as a family in a water park and the evening as a couple. This year my father took off work and spent the day with me and the boys at the beach, the evening was spent with a friend cheering me up. July 10th came. It was exactly as my friends who have taken this road before me said it would be....it was just a day. July 10th, 2010 can never occur again. No day can be as traumatizing. All day, I recalled exactly what I was doing just one year prior. 2010: By 10:30 a.m. I watched the most horrific event I had ever seen, 11 a.m. I was standing in the trauma unit of Shands disoriented and in shock, and by noon, I was informed that my life may never be the same.

2011: I considered leaving Jacksonville for the week of July 10th, but the closer that the day approached, I really just wanted to be home and surrounded by friends and family. I had a wonderful open house where those friends and family could share photos of Bryan and record messages to the boys on video. I did watch the message video a few days later and was so touched by every single story and every single person. I want my boys to know how extraordinary their father really was. Hearing the stories made me feel a sense of loss again. There really was only one Bryan Porter Turner! I have to share one of the last testimonies on video and I hope he doesn't mind but it resonated loud and clear with my spirit. Bill Arnold was a former teacher of mine and worked with Bryan at some point. In concluding his testimony of Bryan, he made the statement that Bryan himself would see it far more important for Benjamin and Timothy to know their Heavenly Father than their Earthly father. That very statement is so true and very kingdom minded. It gave me such a sense of comfort and understanding that as their mother, I know my responsibility to disciple my children as Bryan would have.

I have been purging things from my home in an attempt to move forward with my life. It is an overwhelming task for many reasons but if you knew Bryan, you're sensing my challenge because you knew his "pack-rat" ways.  I came across his "little black book." Bryan kept his wedding sermons and funeral sermons nicely compacted in a little black book so he would not forget anything during a ceremony. I read through the sermon notes of the last funeral he preached.

 He wrote, "There is hope for the living and hope for the dying. Jesus himself has told us 'I come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly.' What science, education, and material wealth fail to do, Jesus has done. He has given an indescribable hope to those who have accepted him as Lord and Savior, who live their lives in harmony with his divine purpose. However, this occasion that draws us together today focuses our attention toward that other great dimension of hope- hope for the dying. There's a new statistic out on death, 10 out of every 10 die. It is the most certain thing in life-Death. The most uncertain thing is when.....In a moment such as this, we are reminded of the smallness of man and the greatness of God. Once again, we direct our attention toward a God who is able through his infinite power to speak this universe into existence. God said let there be light and it was good. He breathed into man the breath of life. Let us never forget that life itself is not to be taken lightly, but rather it should be considered a precious gift of our God. When death comes, we are reminded of the love of God. Certainly all of the words in our finite vocabularies could never completely describe God, but one descriptive word that cannot be left out of our inadequate attempt is the word LOVE. Scriptures state 'God is Love' and because of this immeasurable love of God, we who gather here today can do so in hope, rather than despair. We are accustomed to measuring things- by beginnings and endings. We even measure the duration of a life-record of birth and death. However, God is not limited or conditioned by time and space as we are. Rather, God is eternal, and his love is eternal. Furthermore, through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ, which is God's greatest expression of love, man too, can live eternally. 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?.......Finally, we can face death with hope in our hearts because death, as an enemy, was destroyed when our Savior walked out of the tomb... Jesus Christ defeated death...Where death brings separation, Christ reunites. He taught us that he has gone to prepare a place for us. We all anticipate the day when we will be with Him, reunited with our loved ones in our Father's house. .....Bryan concluded the sermon with "It is the most certain thing in life-Death; The most uncertain thing is when...Are you ready? Heaven is a prepared place, for prepared people."

I hear people say to me all of the time how well I handle Bryan's death and I am admired. I can confidently say, I think of Bryan everyday of my life and everyday of my life I feel some form of pain, sadness or loss. I also, have very happy days and joy in my heart. I choose daily to accept and believe God's promises to me. The days when I am weak and do not consider God's promises are my lowest days. I could very easily give in to anxiety and depression, but I would also be denying the fact that Jesus left his comforter, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me. It's a daily walk to choose that hope that Bryan preached at funerals. I can say I survived my first year of widowhood, the truth is that as a follower of Jesus, I am already eternal.  A year, 10 years, 60 years....all finite numbers; Eternity is infinite....Hallelujah...Praise Jesus!

Bryan's conviction

I was very tired and ready for bed last night but couldn't sleep~that seems to happen more than I would like. I was recalling my days events and wondering if I did anything yesterday that impacted God's kingdom. I was very productive and made several appointments and did things I had been procrastinating about, but I had this feeling that I did nothing for the sake of eternity. Bryan had this struggle all of the time, but the irony was that he was eternity minded and was a daily witness~it just was never enough. My mind wandered back to the night before Timothy was born, 2-10-10. One of Bryan's students, Makia Coney, was missing. He was very close to Makia's younger sister and they both used his classroom as their locker. I just remember Bryan getting in his car and driving around the school and surrounding areas in hope that he would spot her.

Bryan hardly slept that night, but we had an early rise as I was to be induced with Timothy at 7 am. We woke on 2-11-10 and turned on the television to find that Makia was in fact found but not with the outcome everyone had prayed for. Bryan wept, he was beyond crying. He obviously wept for Makia and her family but he also wept for the other two students involved. Bryan had a feeling that he had failed the two students that sat in his classroom all year because instead of teaching them biblical principles he was teaching computer graphics and workshop (which is what was required of him that school year).  For the first time, Bryan was trying diligently to be task oriented and do what was required of him, yet had an overwhelming conviction that he wasn't doing enough for the Lord in his day to day duties. Bryan was famous for being late, scattered, forgetful~ all of the qualities that the world would say you should work on. But, classic example of Bryan's lateness "but I had to witness to the homeless man at the gas pump." Bryan couldn't remember where he left his keys or cellphone but he certainly remembered more scripture than any human I have ever met. I meant it when I wrote on his funeral program "you never fit in this world." I miss very much that part of Bryan that influenced me to want to focus on the eternal and not be as concerned with the day to day tasks (which are important and have there place) but eternity has its place also.

Timothy was born on 2-11-10. It is definitely a day I will never forget for many reasons. The point I wanted to make was that Bryan wept for all of the students involved. He believed that all sins are forgivable and that everyone is capable of murder, otherwise God would not have sited this sin in the ten commandments. He was eventually subpoenaed to testify for one of the students but never made that appointment because he was in a coma. Everyone looks for great answers to why bad things happen and we all look to point fingers, I have personally been there with the driver who hit Bryan. The answer that continues to come forward is that we are all born into a sin nature and all in need of salvation and redemption through Jesus. There really is just no other way to avoid the thoughts that manifest into action.
I am definitely all over the place tonight, but the one thing I sense clearly is that we should all take every opportunity given to us to be an influence and witness for what Jesus has done for our sins. God still forgives the murderer, God heals pain, and God leads his people to take action. I am making every attempt to live with this focus daily, but those daily tasks do get in my way. Makia and Bryan both had their lives cut short, but God still uses them for influence. We are still left here~ are we influencing others? Do we live with the conviction that we are doing enough for eternity?

 Matthew 5: 13-16 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

My Chick Fil A Man

I wrote a post back in November about driving through the Chick Fil A drive thru and Benjamin randomly telling the man at window, "My daddy died." I still recall my breathlessness as I tried to collect words for the man, but his response was quick and without hesitation. He was spirit led and true when he said~Jesus has defeated death and you will see your dad again! I did drive away in tears as I mentioned in November, but I also drove away encouraged that Godly men exist other than Bryan Turner.

WELL, that was 5 months ago and since then, after tri-weekly visits to Chick Fil A (because my son is a picky eater and I love the food myself), I have made friends with the Chick Fil A man~ Sean. Sean happens to be graduating from Charis Bible College next month~ Charis meaning "Grace." He recently went to the Dominican Republic for a missions trip and will be leaving for Russia in May for another missions trip. He is a redeemed preacher's kid and incredibly knowledgable of God's word.  He has the gift of teaching and will pray healing over you without reservation.

Why I am saying all of this? Sean is a special friend to me. We hang out, we do Bible studies with my father, he plays "chicken" with Timothy and hugs Benjamin. I know that people have a natural tendency to wonder and as we venture out in public, it just is what is it....a fellow Christ follower who encourages me.  I do believe in divine appointment and I am grateful that God sends the right people into my life at the right time. So, always consider who you are talking to.... and what a seemingly insignificant person may end up meaning to you OR what you can mean to that person. Doesn't it just make you want to be kind to everyone?

I had him last year

I finally found the time to purchase chocolate and peeps for the boys Easter baskets for "Resurrection Day." I left two little boys in the pool with Pepa and escaped with my mother. I was putting the baskets together in my room and had my familiar fleeting thought, "I had him last year" on this holiday. I have had this thought on every holiday since July 15th. This will probably sound very silly but I had a large bag of seasonal decorations from Hallmark that were discounted 75% when they went out of business by my home. I remember coming home and showing Bryan my "finds" and excited that I had saved a dollar on future purchases. Those purchases included Benjamin's Spiderman invitations for his 5th birthday that Bryan would never see, Christmas wrap that Bryan would never open, and other odd cards and such for smaller occasions. So, last night I removed the last items of my bag, the Easter basket cellophane, and thought, "this is it." I actually had small bursts of comfort at holidays knowing that Bryan had seen the gift wrap. In a strange way, it made me feel that he was involved somehow. When you have nothing tangible to hold, you grasp at anything.

I realize that the one year anniversary of Bryan's accident is approaching quickly and then I will not be able to say "I had him last year on this day." Tomorrow, I will take the kids to search for Easter eggs at the church. Last year, I took a 2 month old and a 4 year old, while Bryan took The Jesus Bus to a local ministry and evangelized. I really only have Mothers Day, Fathers Day, 4th of July and July 8th (what would have been our 11 yr anniversary) left to anticipate. It is a daily challenge to remind myself not to focus on the past and not to focus on the tangibles in life. So what if Bryan didn't see Timothy's Easter basket for 2011! Bryan is not concerned. Easter baskets are a temporary tradition. I have to keep this mind-set, otherwise, life seems very painful at times. 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Bryan Turner himself told me this in a dream (or the Holy Spirit chose to reveal this scripture to me in that manner). My hope is in the unseen. I can walk this walk because it is temporary. Praise God for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Death is defeated!

Bryan's "temporary" Grave

Resurrection Day

I went with Bryan's mom over the weekend to buy flowers for his grave. I ran into a man that I work with through the school district and with a smile on my face, as we talked, thought to myself, "if only you knew why I am buying these useless flowers." I actually try to avoid conversations that may lead to a look of "I am so sorry for, I pity you, you poor girl." I do not mean this to sound disrespectful at all, but you can only handle so many looks each day of pity. I know that people have a genuine concern for my well-being and I know that no one knows how to appropriately skirt around the topic of death, but as a person trying to hold their head up daily and function, I don't want to be the person who draws sad faces to everyone I approach. My spirit is trying to live and survive and there are days I hybernate from people because I am drained from soliciting sadness. I will say it again, I know people mean well, but I need smiles and encouragment not looks of pity. Looks of pity wear on a person after a while. I can self- pity without any help, ha! I am just as guilty of responding this way to others and I know it's natural to want to be sympathetic.

Bryan's mom and I bought a beautiful cross and flowers to place at his grave for Easter. I laugh when I type Easter and can hear Bryan in my ear saying "Resurrection Day." He refused to say Easter. "Resurrection Day" was his favorite "holiday" for celebration. Aside from the actual birth of Jesus, the day Jesus rose from the dead and defeated death is the most significant day in history for all of mankind whether you believe it happened or not. In fact, "Resurrection Day" is what allows me to move forward in life, knowing that death is temporary and eternal life is real.  1 Corinthians 15:55 says, “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” I would never want to walk this road of "widowhood" without the understanding that Bryan is ALIVE in spirit and that his body will be resurrected when Christ returns for His people. I believe this with all of my heart because God's word says this to be true. Resurrection sounds logically so impossible, but I would rather believe and be wrong than not to believe and pay the consequence for being wrong. I only make this statement for those who may not believe in resurrection, because as a believer, I have no doubts.

I have imagined many times Bryan's body being resurrected from the grave when Christ returns. I actually purchased the grave next to his for myself. I probably will be so delighted to see Jesus that I won't care either way if I am buried next to Bryan, but there is still a comfort in being buried next to each other. I still find it bizzare that at my young age, I am faced with talking of death and flowers for my 35 yr old husbands grave. My mind cannot wrap itself fully around the concept. I actually do not visit Bryan's grave too frequently because I can hear him again in my ear saying "Joy, my spirit is not there, just my body."  2 Corinthians 5:8, "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." I  have to mention that although Bryan is physically not with me, his influence certainly is. I knew him so well (and he voiced his opinion so well) that I know what he would want for me and our children. I really should contribute his influence to the fact that we believed the same thing. Bryan believed in Christ's resurrection. My plans for "Resurrection Day" will be to dye eggs and eat candy with the kids because those things are just fun. But this year particularly, I want to really reflect on what Jesus Christ has done for all of man-kind. My hope is in the fact that Christ's resurrection really occurred and I am eternally grateful that Jesus defeated death. Bryan is eternally grateful that Jesus has defeated death. Resurrection Day is huge! Forget the Easter Bunny and praise Jesus for what he has done for you!


Romans 8:11 "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of  his Spirit who lives in you."

Memories

I am on Spring Break this week.  I had big plans to take the boys to the beach, ride bikes, go swimming, play outside, just do a bunch of little boy stuff, but the weather just hasn't been cooperating. I try to stay busy so my mind doesn't have alot of time to wander and wonder, and this dreary rainy stuff just isn't helping the situation. With that said, I have had alot of down time and alot of memories have flooded my thoughts this week. Thinking of Bryan can actually be very painful; it's a pain so deep that my feelings go numb. It's hard to explain but it's like my heart and mind can only take so much and in small doses so it "shuts down." I am sure "coping" has something to do with this reaction. Anyway, I definitely have wonderful memories that do make me happy and even laugh out loud. I am hoping that all of my Bryan memories will be this way in the near future.

Today I made peanut butter graham crackers for the boys. I had two Bryan memories as I was spreading peanut butter...ha. Bryan loved peanut butter and contributed his childhood weight problem to his Nana having peanut butter snacks waiting for him after school everyday! He never lost his love for peanut butter and I caught him in the jar many nights. When Timothy was born, I remember just not being able to stomach hospital food. The nurse brought me graham crackers and peanut butter. It was so good and comforting after just having a baby! Well, Bryan had his eye on my peanut butter and graham crackers so I offered them to him; He had a look of "should I really take the snack away from the women who just gave birth to my second child?" LOL....of course, I shared my snack with Bryan. The nurse did catch on and brought snacks of peanut butter and graham crackers for 2 for the next two days. We ate them around the clock. I will probably always associate peanut butter graham crackers with Bryan and the birth of Timothy.

I am transitioning Timothy into sleeping in a toddler bed. It was Benjamin's old bed (Timothy has alot of hand me downs). I removed the baby mobile from the crib that Bryan had installed. I find myself apologizing to Bryan anytime I make a change to the house. I was definitely stuck in a rut when he first died and I just couldn't move a thing, but I am now to the point where change feels good after the fact. I fight tears anytime I do something like this, but having space that is just "my own" reminds me that I am in the present and keeps me from dwelling in the past. If I cannot have a life with Bryan, I cannot have constant reminders of my loss. I try very hard to live in the mindset of being grateful for what I do have and not focusing of what is missing (easier said than done).

I encourage Benjamin to share his memories about daddy to little Timothy. Benjamin remembers so much more than I realized. He is always starting conversations with "Remember when daddy..." I am always amazed at Benjamin. He has alot of information in his brain that he is beginning to express now that his language skills are improving. Benjamin is my constant reminder of Bryan memories. His personality, charisma, and even his double jointed elbows. Timothy's smile is like looking at Bryan himself. I am so grateful that I will visibly see a replica of Bryan's smile for the rest of my life.