Joy in the Morning

I survived the first year

2011-08-03T14:22:00.000-04:00

I have considered many times what the first anniversary of Bryan's death would be like for me. I did not want to see July 10th ever again. I really did not want to participate in the entire month of July either, but the month came anyway. July 4th came which was the last holiday we would have together. It was a similar but very different day. Old and new friends, old and new memories. July 8th would have been our 11 yr wedding anniversary. Last year, we spent the day as a family in a water park and the evening as a couple. This year my father took off work and spent the day with me and the boys at the beach, the evening was spent with a friend cheering me up. July 10th came. It was exactly as my friends who have taken this road before me said it would be....it was just a day. July 10th, 2010 can never occur again. No day can be as traumatizing. All day, I recalled exactly what I was doing just one year prior. 2010: By 10:30 a.m. I watched the most horrific event I had ever seen, 11 a.m. I was standing in the trauma unit of Shands disoriented and in shock, and by noon, I was informed that my life may never be the same.

2011: I considered leaving Jacksonville for the week of July 10th, but the closer that the day approached, I really just wanted to be home and surrounded by friends and family. I had a wonderful open house where those friends and family could share photos of Bryan and record messages to the boys on video. I did watch the message video a few days later and was so touched by every single story and every single person. I want my boys to know how extraordinary their father really was. Hearing the stories made me feel a sense of loss again. There really was only one Bryan Porter Turner! I have to share one of the last testimonies on video and I hope he doesn't mind but it resonated loud and clear with my spirit. Bill Arnold was a former teacher of mine and worked with Bryan at some point. In concluding his testimony of Bryan, he made the statement that Bryan himself would see it far more important for Benjamin and Timothy to know their Heavenly Father than their Earthly father. That very statement is so true and very kingdom minded. It gave me such a sense of comfort and understanding that as their mother, I know my responsibility to disciple my children as Bryan would have.

I have been purging things from my home in an attempt to move forward with my life. It is an overwhelming task for many reasons but if you knew Bryan, you're sensing my challenge because you knew his "pack-rat" ways. I came across his "little black book." Bryan kept his wedding sermons and funeral sermons nicely compacted in a little black book so he would not forget anything during a ceremony. I read through the sermon notes of the last funeral he preached.

He wrote, "There is hope for the living and hope for the dying. Jesus himself has told us 'I come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly.' What science, education, and material wealth fail to do, Jesus has done. He has given an indescribable hope to those who have accepted him as Lord and Savior, who live their lives in harmony with his divine purpose. However, this occasion that draws us together today focuses our attention toward that other great dimension of hope- hope for the dying. There's a new statistic out on death, 10 out of every 10 die. It is the most certain thing in life-Death. The most uncertain thing is when.....In a moment such as this, we are reminded of the smallness of man and the greatness of God. Once again, we direct our attention toward a God who is able through his infinite power to speak this universe into existence. God said let there be light and it was good. He breathed into man the breath of life. Let us never forget that life itself is not to be taken lightly, but rather it should be considered a precious gift of our God. When death comes, we are reminded of the love of God. Certainly all of the words in our finite vocabularies could never completely describe God, but one descriptive word that cannot be left out of our inadequate attempt is the word LOVE. Scriptures state 'God is Love' and because of this immeasurable love of God, we who gather here today can do so in hope, rather than despair. We are accustomed to measuring things- by beginnings and endings. We even measure the duration of a life-record of birth and death. However, God is not limited or conditioned by time and space as we are. Rather, God is eternal, and his love is eternal. Furthermore, through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ, which is God's greatest expression of love, man too, can live eternally. 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?.......Finally, we can face death with hope in our hearts because death, as an enemy, was destroyed when our Savior walked out of the tomb... Jesus Christ defeated death...Where death brings separation, Christ reunites. He taught us that he has gone to prepare a place for us. We all anticipate the day when we will be with Him, reunited with our loved ones in our Father's house. .....Bryan concluded the sermon with "It is the most certain thing in life-Death; The most uncertain thing is when...Are you ready? Heaven is a prepared place, for prepared people."

I hear people say to me all of the time how well I handle Bryan's death and I am admired. I can confidently say, I think of Bryan everyday of my life and everyday of my life I feel some form of pain, sadness or loss. I also, have very happy days and joy in my heart. I choose daily to accept and believe God's promises to me. The days when I am weak and do not consider God's promises are my lowest days. I could very easily give in to anxiety and depression, but I would also be denying the fact that Jesus left his comforter, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me. It's a daily walk to choose that hope that Bryan preached at funerals. I can say I survived my first year of widowhood, the truth is that as a follower of Jesus, I am already eternal. A year, 10 years, 60 years....all finite numbers; Eternity is infinite....Hallelujah...Praise Jesus!

Bryan's conviction

2011-04-26T20:08:00.000-04:00

I was very tired and ready for bed last night but couldn't sleep~that seems to happen more than I would like. I was recalling my days events and wondering if I did anything yesterday that impacted God's kingdom. I was very productive and made several appointments and did things I had been procrastinating about, but I had this feeling that I did nothing for the sake of eternity. Bryan had this struggle all of the time, but the irony was that he was eternity minded and was a daily witness~it just was never enough. My mind wandered back to the night before Timothy was born, 2-10-10. One of Bryan's students, Makia Coney, was missing. He was very close to Makia's younger sister and they both used his classroom as their locker. I just remember Bryan getting in his car and driving around the school and surrounding areas in hope that he would spot her.

Bryan hardly slept that night, but we had an early rise as I was to be induced with Timothy at 7 am. We woke on 2-11-10 and turned on the television to find that Makia was in fact found but not with the outcome everyone had prayed for. Bryan wept, he was beyond crying. He obviously wept for Makia and her family but he also wept for the other two students involved. Bryan had a feeling that he had failed the two students that sat in his classroom all year because instead of teaching them biblical principles he was teaching computer graphics and workshop (which is what was required of him that school year). For the first time, Bryan was trying diligently to be task oriented and do what was required of him, yet had an overwhelming conviction that he wasn't doing enough for the Lord in his day to day duties. Bryan was famous for being late, scattered, forgetful~ all of the qualities that the world would say you should work on. But, classic example of Bryan's lateness "but I had to witness to the homeless man at the gas pump." Bryan couldn't remember where he left his keys or cellphone but he certainly remembered more scripture than any human I have ever met. I meant it when I wrote on his funeral program "you never fit in this world." I miss very much that part of Bryan that influenced me to want to focus on the eternal and not be as concerned with the day to day tasks (which are important and have there place) but eternity has its place also.

Timothy was born on 2-11-10. It is definitely a day I will never forget for many reasons. The point I wanted to make was that Bryan wept for all of the students involved. He believed that all sins are forgivable and that everyone is capable of murder, otherwise God would not have sited this sin in the ten commandments. He was eventually subpoenaed to testify for one of the students but never made that appointment because he was in a coma. Everyone looks for great answers to why bad things happen and we all look to point fingers, I have personally been there with the driver who hit Bryan. The answer that continues to come forward is that we are all born into a sin nature and all in need of salvation and redemption through Jesus. There really is just no other way to avoid the thoughts that manifest into action.
I am definitely all over the place tonight, but the one thing I sense clearly is that we should all take every opportunity given to us to be an influence and witness for what Jesus has done for our sins. God still forgives the murderer, God heals pain, and God leads his people to take action. I am making every attempt to live with this focus daily, but those daily tasks do get in my way. Makia and Bryan both had their lives cut short, but God still uses them for influence. We are still left here~ are we influencing others? Do we live with the conviction that we are doing enough for eternity?

Matthew 5: 13-16 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

My Chick Fil A Man

2011-04-24T21:02:00.001-04:00

I wrote a post back in November about driving through the Chick Fil A drive thru and Benjamin randomly telling the man at window, "My daddy died." I still recall my breathlessness as I tried to collect words for the man, but his response was quick and without hesitation. He was spirit led and true when he said~Jesus has defeated death and you will see your dad again! I did drive away in tears as I mentioned in November, but I also drove away encouraged that Godly men exist other than Bryan Turner.

WELL, that was 5 months ago and since then, after tri-weekly visits to Chick Fil A (because my son is a picky eater and I love the food myself), I have made friends with the Chick Fil A man~ Sean. Sean happens to be graduating from Charis Bible College next month~ Charis meaning "Grace." He recently went to the Dominican Republic for a missions trip and will be leaving for Russia in May for another missions trip. He is a redeemed preacher's kid and incredibly knowledgable of God's word. He has the gift of teaching and will pray healing over you without reservation.

Why I am saying all of this? Sean is a special friend to me. We hang out, we do Bible studies with my father, he plays "chicken" with Timothy and hugs Benjamin. I know that people have a natural tendency to wonder and as we venture out in public, it just is what is it....a fellow Christ follower who encourages me. I do believe in divine appointment and I am grateful that God sends the right people into my life at the right time. So, always consider who you are talking to.... and what a seemingly insignificant person may end up meaning to you OR what you can mean to that person. Doesn't it just make you want to be kind to everyone?

I had him last year

2011-04-22T07:49:00.000-04:00

I finally found the time to purchase chocolate and peeps for the boys Easter baskets for "Resurrection Day." I left two little boys in the pool with Pepa and escaped with my mother. I was putting the baskets together in my room and had my familiar fleeting thought, "I had him last year" on this holiday. I have had this thought on every holiday since July 15th. This will probably sound very silly but I had a large bag of seasonal decorations from Hallmark that were discounted 75% when they went out of business by my home. I remember coming home and showing Bryan my "finds" and excited that I had saved a dollar on future purchases. Those purchases included Benjamin's Spiderman invitations for his 5th birthday that Bryan would never see, Christmas wrap that Bryan would never open, and other odd cards and such for smaller occasions. So, last night I removed the last items of my bag, the Easter basket cellophane, and thought, "this is it." I actually had small bursts of comfort at holidays knowing that Bryan had seen the gift wrap. In a strange way, it made me feel that he was involved somehow. When you have nothing tangible to hold, you grasp at anything.

I realize that the one year anniversary of Bryan's accident is approaching quickly and then I will not be able to say "I had him last year on this day." Tomorrow, I will take the kids to search for Easter eggs at the church. Last year, I took a 2 month old and a 4 year old, while Bryan took The Jesus Bus to a local ministry and evangelized. I really only have Mothers Day, Fathers Day, 4th of July and July 8th (what would have been our 11 yr anniversary) left to anticipate. It is a daily challenge to remind myself not to focus on the past and not to focus on the tangibles in life. So what if Bryan didn't see Timothy's Easter basket for 2011! Bryan is not concerned. Easter baskets are a temporary tradition. I have to keep this mind-set, otherwise, life seems very painful at times. 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Bryan Turner himself told me this in a dream (or the Holy Spirit chose to reveal this scripture to me in that manner). My hope is in the unseen. I can walk this walk because it is temporary. Praise God for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Death is defeated!

Bryan's "temporary" Grave

2011-04-06T19:32:00.000-04:00

Resurrection Day

2011-04-05T02:07:00.001-04:00

I went with Bryan's mom over the weekend to buy flowers for his grave. I ran into a man that I work with through the school district and with a smile on my face, as we talked, thought to myself, "if only you knew why I am buying these useless flowers." I actually try to avoid conversations that may lead to a look of "I am so sorry for, I pity you, you poor girl." I do not mean this to sound disrespectful at all, but you can only handle so many looks each day of pity. I know that people have a genuine concern for my well-being and I know that no one knows how to appropriately skirt around the topic of death, but as a person trying to hold their head up daily and function, I don't want to be the person who draws sad faces to everyone I approach. My spirit is trying to live and survive and there are days I hybernate from people because I am drained from soliciting sadness. I will say it again, I know people mean well, but I need smiles and encouragment not looks of pity. Looks of pity wear on a person after a while. I can self- pity without any help, ha! I am just as guilty of responding this way to others and I know it's natural to want to be sympathetic.

Bryan's mom and I bought a beautiful cross and flowers to place at his grave for Easter. I laugh when I type Easter and can hear Bryan in my ear saying "Resurrection Day." He refused to say Easter. "Resurrection Day" was his favorite "holiday" for celebration. Aside from the actual birth of Jesus, the day Jesus rose from the dead and defeated death is the most significant day in history for all of mankind whether you believe it happened or not. In fact, "Resurrection Day" is what allows me to move forward in life, knowing that death is temporary and eternal life is real. 1 Corinthians 15:55 says, “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” I would never want to walk this road of "widowhood" without the understanding that Bryan is ALIVE in spirit and that his body will be resurrected when Christ returns for His people. I believe this with all of my heart because God's word says this to be true. Resurrection sounds logically so impossible, but I would rather believe and be wrong than not to believe and pay the consequence for being wrong. I only make this statement for those who may not believe in resurrection, because as a believer, I have no doubts.

I have imagined many times Bryan's body being resurrected from the grave when Christ returns. I actually purchased the grave next to his for myself. I probably will be so delighted to see Jesus that I won't care either way if I am buried next to Bryan, but there is still a comfort in being buried next to each other. I still find it bizzare that at my young age, I am faced with talking of death and flowers for my 35 yr old husbands grave. My mind cannot wrap itself fully around the concept. I actually do not visit Bryan's grave too frequently because I can hear him again in my ear saying "Joy, my spirit is not there, just my body." 2 Corinthians 5:8, "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." I have to mention that although Bryan is physically not with me, his influence certainly is. I knew him so well (and he voiced his opinion so well) that I know what he would want for me and our children. I really should contribute his influence to the fact that we believed the same thing. Bryan believed in Christ's resurrection. My plans for "Resurrection Day" will be to dye eggs and eat candy with the kids because those things are just fun. But this year particularly, I want to really reflect on what Jesus Christ has done for all of man-kind. My hope is in the fact that Christ's resurrection really occurred and I am eternally grateful that Jesus defeated death. Bryan is eternally grateful that Jesus has defeated death. Resurrection Day is huge! Forget the Easter Bunny and praise Jesus for what he has done for you!

Romans 8:11 "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because ofhis Spirit who lives in you."

Memories

2011-03-31T12:57:00.000-04:00

I am on Spring Break this week. I had big plans to take the boys to the beach, ride bikes, go swimming, play outside, just do a bunch of little boy stuff, but the weather just hasn't been cooperating. I try to stay busy so my mind doesn't have alot of time to wander and wonder, and this dreary rainy stuff just isn't helping the situation. With that said, I have had alot of down time and alot of memories have flooded my thoughts this week. Thinking of Bryan can actually be very painful; it's a pain so deep that my feelings go numb. It's hard to explain but it's like my heart and mind can only take so much and in small doses so it "shuts down." I am sure "coping" has something to do with this reaction. Anyway, I definitely have wonderful memories that do make me happy and even laugh out loud. I am hoping that all of my Bryan memories will be this way in the near future.

Today I made peanut butter graham crackers for the boys. I had two Bryan memories as I was spreading peanut butter...ha. Bryan loved peanut butter and contributed his childhood weight problem to his Nana having peanut butter snacks waiting for him after school everyday! He never lost his love for peanut butter and I caught him in the jar many nights. When Timothy was born, I remember just not being able to stomach hospital food. The nurse brought me graham crackers and peanut butter. It was so good and comforting after just having a baby! Well, Bryan had his eye on my peanut butter and graham crackers so I offered them to him; He had a look of "should I really take the snack away from the women who just gave birth to my second child?" LOL....of course, I shared my snack with Bryan. The nurse did catch on and brought snacks of peanut butter and graham crackers for 2 for the next two days. We ate them around the clock. I will probably always associate peanut butter graham crackers with Bryan and the birth of Timothy.

I am transitioning Timothy into sleeping in a toddler bed. It was Benjamin's old bed (Timothy has alot of hand me downs). I removed the baby mobile from the crib that Bryan had installed. I find myself apologizing to Bryan anytime I make a change to the house. I was definitely stuck in a rut when he first died and I just couldn't move a thing, but I am now to the point where change feels good after the fact. I fight tears anytime I do something like this, but having space that is just "my own" reminds me that I am in the present and keeps me from dwelling in the past. If I cannot have a life with Bryan, I cannot have constant reminders of my loss. I try very hard to live in the mindset of being grateful for what I do have and not focusing of what is missing (easier said than done).

I encourage Benjamin to share his memories about daddy to little Timothy. Benjamin remembers so much more than I realized. He is always starting conversations with "Remember when daddy..." I am always amazed at Benjamin. He has alot of information in his brain that he is beginning to express now that his language skills are improving. Benjamin is my constant reminder of Bryan memories. His personality, charisma, and even his double jointed elbows. Timothy's smile is like looking at Bryan himself. I am so grateful that I will visibly see a replica of Bryan's smile for the rest of my life.

Bryan's mom

2011-03-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

Bryan was an only child to Charlene and his death has been very difficult to say the least. Two years ago, Charlene was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer that resulted in chemo and near death experiences on a few occasions. She has also struggled with a very sick pancrease that has resulted in multiple surgeries and she has more scheduled. Bryan would pray with her all of the time and specifically pray for healing. He once said to me "Joy, I am not ready to see my mother die." Charlene could never have imagined that she would see her only child die. Her health has been a challenge, but I strongly believe that she is even still alive because of God's healing in her life. In fact, she continues to have pancrease issues but her blood cancer is stable! She has been homebound or hospitalized many days since Bryan's accident and feels that she has not had the opportunity to thank the people who have been supporting her through this tragedy. She has written a note of thanks which I will share:

"I would like to take the time to thank all who came to Bryan's viewing and funeral. Bryan Turner could not stand pain and I am thankful God took him instantly and he was able to give at least 6 organs and tissue for other people to live on. I miss him desperately, he was an only child. I do go through crying spells, but through all this I don't hate the woman that hit him. Bryan would have been concerned if she was saved or had a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. So, that is where my prayers go. My revenge was that her license would be taken away since she had killed before, so that no one else would be hurt.

I've been very sick, almost died three times, so I haven't had proper time to contact others. My special thanks to University Baptist Church for all they have done and for feeding my family after the funeral. God Bless them! I also want to thank Cheryl Joseph, my friend from high school and Bryan's first grade teacher for the beautiful purple dress for the viewing- What a friend! (Bryan, as an ordained minister, would later officiate Ms. Joseph's wedding ceremony). I want to thank every one who donated things for the Bryan Turner Benefit Day! I am looking forward to meeting all of the people who received Bryan's organs and I will love them as well!

I want to thank Pastor Frank Ciresi for all he did. I know he and alot of others loved Bryan."

Love to all, Charlene Turner~

I want to add that I have been very impressed with how well she has relied on the Lord to get her through this. She has very low days, trust me, but she also has a peace that her son is with Jesus. She has a desire to be completely healed so that she can watch her two grandson's grow up. She enjoys sharing how "similar" my boys are to Bryan at the same ages. For example, the full of energy, loves to talk, dances to music, beats the drums "ways of my boys" just do not come from my side of the family! Ha! Charlene and I are the modern day Naomi and Ruth. The mother-in-law and the widow on their journey. In fact, Charlene has given me blessing (before I even would have asked) to move forward with my life. Bryan's family is my family and they always will be.

Corey and Bryan

2011-03-26T12:31:00.002-04:00

I signed on facebook yesterday and was invited to say "Happy 24th Birthday to Corey" and as a result of my response, conversation occurred on facebook that I would like to address. (Everything happens on facebook)! My initial feeling was overwhelming empathy knowing the pain that truly is attached to the "Happy Birthday." Corey was hit and killed one year and 6 days prior to Bryan by the same driver (yes, the same driver). Corey was riding his motorcycle on the Fourth of July with his girlfriend, and I hear someone he would have shared the rest of his life with, when a car with no lights on, took a turn in front of him without yielding the right of way. I hear Corey flashed his lights to show this person that he was there, but it was too late. His girlfriend did survive the accident with extensive injuries, but ultimately Corey had the same brain injuries as Bryan. The driver did go to trial with the State Attorneys office and 4 months prior to hitting Bryan, was released of any charges and given no driving restrictions.

I cannot speak for Corey's family, but I personally know the struggle of trying to release anger and forgive when your loved one is killed by such a careless, senseless act. There really is no feeling of justice in the sense of punishing the driver. She could go to jail, she could have her licensed revoked, I could sue her for wrongful death...but nothing would "make me feel better" in that sense. It's an unbalanced scenario where "an eye for an eye" means nothing; The driver could be hit and killed by a car and it would not give me a sense of peace that Bryan and Corey are still not with us. So, that leaves me with no worldly options for justice (you see where I am going with this).

God has been teaching me things from many different angles and from several people in regards to forgiveness. I know in my heart and spirit that I must choose to forgive this driver, not only for her sake but for mine. I have struggled with this now for over 8 months and watching my children grow up without their father doesn't encourage the forgiving process. However, I recently heard this statement from a preacher, "when you choose not to forgive, it's almost like saying you are above God." Ouch! Words like that are difficult to swallow. I personally want God's grace and forgiveness in all areas of my life. I also want to serve the Lord with all of my heart, but how do I manage that with hatred in my heart?

I very much feel like Jonah in the Bible avoiding God's call to go preach to the people of Nineveh. I have heard this Bible story my whole life and thought, why wouldn't Jonah just go and be obedient? Why did it take being swallowed by a whale to make him do what God wanted? Well, I happen to be in a Bible study about Jonah now. What I never realized is that the people of Nineveh were Jonah's enemies. Jonah's people hated Nineveh. Well, no wonder he would stall in his obedience to God. I find myself knowing what I should do but stalling because of my own hurt and hatred. God forbid this... but I am not interested in being swallowed by a whale....so, I must CHOOSE to FORGIVE. I have been very candid with my process through grief this far, so I will not stop here. I am not fully at a genuine stage of forgiveness but God is pursuing me daily on this issue and I know it is only a matter of time that I will surrender to God's desire for my life. I plan to meet the driver face to face and hear her side. I also plan to share Jesus with her and what He has done for me since this accident.

When I posted a facebook response in regards to the family of Corey, my genuine interest was to have people pray for his family. I have been showered with love and prayers through fellow believers in Christ and I know that these prayers have made this tragedy more manageable. I have spoken with Corey's mom and know that she is also a believer, but I do not know if Corey's family has the same support that I have been blessed with....that's why I shared the relationship between Corey and Bryan and asked for prayers for Corey's family. I lost a husband and the truth is, I mourn for my children much more than I mourn for myself. I have often considered how I would have acted if it were my son lying on that road and I can honestly say, I may have killed someone that day had it been Benjamin instead of Bryan. I believe this is a God-given mother's love and protection of her children. Corey's mother lost her son and although grief is grief, losing a son is indescribable and incomparable to losing any other relative. I believe her road is more difficult than mine, but I also know that she is offered the same peace and understanding that only Jesus can give. I would love to shower Corey's family with love and prayers so they can be healed of this pain. Nothing can replace Bryan or Corey, but God does restore in other ways. I am choosing to move forward the best I can and I believe Corey would want this for his family as well. Please keep our families in your prayers.

Slow down, watch for motorcycles and pedestrians...or just park your car.

My Children

2011-01-23T07:44:00.000-05:00

I get asked everyday how my children are doing. Well, that's an easy subject to talk about because I am in love with both. Benjamin turned 5 at Christmas which is very hard for me to fathom. I seem to always question "How did he grow up this fast?" I think this child will be taller than me by age 12 (not kidding). I am so proud of Benjamin because he has a genuine kindness towards others, He NEVER meets a stranger, that I have to monitor closely at this age but will be an awesome trait when he's older. He is very empathetic for his age. If he sees someone crying, he attempts to console them or make funny faces to make them laugh. I am starting to see that he is the "funny man" of the house. He has coped with his loss the best he knows how at this age. We have talked many times that some people have more than one dad or one mom. His response is that he has "Daddy Bryan" and "Daddy Pepa" (which is my dad). I am surprised at how many memories he has since he was 4 1/2 when Bryan died and I talk about his memories hoping that they will stay when he's older. Benjamin is very loved by family and friends and I believe already has an anointing on his life.

Timothy will be turning one next month! That is very hard to believe. He started walking at 10 months. He has a ferocious appetite and will beg you for food. He has such a happy demeanor and is ALWAYS in good spirit unless teething or ear troubles. His wide smile is a familiar grin and his presence just heals our family. He was 5 months old when Bryan died. That does hurt to consider that he will never personally remember his fathers voice or have genuine memories but I could not imagine my life without Timothy and I kiss him enough for two. This baby does not lack for love. He is surrounded by grandmas and grandpas that spoil him rotten. He calls Pepa "Da" and cries when he leaves. Of course, Benjamin did the same thing as a baby (there's just something about Pepa- Ha)!

I am well aware that every age will bring a new outlook on death for both Benjamin and Timothy. I have already seen the transition with Benjamin. The plan is to talk with them as questions arrive. I am grateful that I have the background knowledge for therapy and have studied death and grief in graduate school but MORE importantly and comforting is I know Bryan's death is already defeated. The minute his soul left his body, I believe he was in the presence of his maker. I teach Benjamin what the Bible says and he is beginning to grasp certain concepts. I love that he knows his daddy is with Jesus in Heaven. At least he has the hope that he will see his daddy again one day.

Benjamin did ask me the other day for a "daddy" that will live with us. He also added that he would like 10 more babies. I said "You mean 10 brothers and sisters?" Benjamin smiled and said "Yes, mommy!" HA! I always pray that God will speak to his small heart in ways that I cannot. I do believe that God is preparing Benjamin for a new season in his life, whatever that may look like. Not sure if that will include his request for 10 babies though! No matter what, the three of us are family and we have lots of extended family. I truly believe that both of my children have a generational blessing attached to them and I believe they will grow to serve God in some capacity (and I will be right by their side supporting them).

Psalm 127:3 "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him."

Nothing to say

2011-01-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

Not sure where to begin, but all I can say is that I just have had nothing to say for the past couple weeks. January 10th marked the 6 month anniversary of Bryan's accident. I could not help but be reflective about how much my life has been altered and it honestly just put me in a funk (Not a Psalm 150 Funk). I have carried alot of guilt that maybe I did not pray enough for Bryan's healing or I did something wrong because I did not get the outcome that I desired. Thoughts like this are irrational and defeating but grief is a mystery to me anyway. Some days I feel as if I am moving forward and then others, I can feel the trauma of events as if it were yesterday. I really depend on my family and a few very close friends to listen to my "rant."

I did pose a question to one of those friends, "Is it my fault that Bryan died? Did I not have enough faith that he would be healed?" My friends answer "Well remember, its Gods power that is a delegated position that came to man, by the Holy Spirit because of Jesus. God is not sitting around and waiting to heal some and not others. The power of God to heal is in proportion to mans authority to use His name and like Christ said "if you believe and NOT doubt;" We were given the right to command healing, in His (Jesus) name and it is He who works through us to get the job done. Please read Acts 3: Peter said in vs 6: "such as I have" why is this not translated "such as God has?" Because Peter knew he possessed the power (Gods power) on the inside of him! And the major lesson in this is Peter had NO doubt whatsoever that he possessed this power. Joy, you do not need MORE faith, you have been given the measure of faith and the SAME SPIRIT THAT RAISED CHRIST FROM THE DEAD IS IN YOU!"

I listened to my friend and read through Acts 3 and then called my dad to talk all of this "theology" out. When Peter healed the lame man, the crowds were amazed at what they saw. Peter's response was basicly reprimand to the crowd. What are you amazed about? You handed Jesus over to Pilate and saw him crucified and raised from the dead. The Holy Spirit raised Jesus from the dead, of course He can heal a lame man. Repent and believe what you see! I came to the understanding that I did pray for healing and I had enough faith but it is ultimately up to God on the outcome. What I did gain from all of this discussion was that there is this whole relationship with the Holy Spirit that I am just beginning to discover. I have been in church my entire life (literally an infant at First Baptist) and I have always been taught God the Father, Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirit is our comforter. Well, the Holy Spirit is SO much more and it is so clear in scripture but I have just never learned these things for myself.

God loves me and pursues me. I cannot be angry with Him for my life circumstances especially when I am learning of all of the provisions and powers given to me, I just haven't learned to use them fully. I am more encouraged these days than I have been in a while. I want to be who God desires me to be and that requires daily renewing of the mind. In fact the same friend shared with me that I am 1/3 Holy Spirit because I choose Jesus, why in the world would I walk around feeling defeated! Hopefully, I haven't scared away anyone who actually reads this blog. Ha! But this is what God is teaching me these days, I had to go through my weeks of "nothing to say" to be available to listen to what the Holy Spirit has to say.

Be Still

2011-01-02T18:47:00.000-05:00

Day 1 of 2011:

I woke up at 4:30am to a vomiting child. Poor Benjamin was this sick for 14 straight hours. After a teaspoon of pedialyte every 5 minutes for 5 hours, he finally started coming around. Do you ever ask yourself, "Is this seriously my life?" I was so looking forward to what God has in store for my family in 2011 and I wake up to vomit. Huh?

I had alot of opportunity for thinking while we sat on the couch or layed in his bed. I am a huge "thinker" and I generally enjoy thinking quietly, but I will admit that I have kept myself obsessively busy in the past 5 1/2 months to avoid "thinking" too much. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” This is a common verse quoted all of the time and it implies to stop and think. What was revealed to me about this verse is that yes, it implies to stop and acknowledge what God can do, but it is now a verse that reminds me of what God has already done. God's past is my encouragement for God's future. Time and time again, scripture shows how God's faithful followers are restored, comforted, healed, protected, provisions met and even rewarded. I will be the first to admit that "waiting" on my future is difficult.

I know that God will restore my loss because He has demonstrated it in scripture. I am also well aware that I am not exempt from sickness, pain and even more loss. I am hoping for a better year in 2011 but as shown quickly on Day 1, I am completely at God's mercy. When I prayed over my sweet Benjamin, I did acknowledge to God that we are at his mercy and I asked for quick healing. This was the sickest he has ever been. So, God is constantly teaching me to ask for the desires of my heart (I want a better year and healthy children) but also to be still and understand that He is God and I am at his loving mercy daily. When you begin to truly understand the nature of God, you will quickly learn that he wants good things for his children but he also gives us teachable moments to become more like his perfect Son. God has a way of stopping us in our tracks and forcing us to "be still" and remember what He has done and what He can do. Benjamin is doing much better!

Emmanuel

2010-12-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

Christmas was obviously much different this year. I couldn't help but remember every piece of 2009 and compare it to 2010. I always thought that my sharp memory of events was a blessing but when you're just trying to get through a day, it makes for a long 16 hours. My parents spent Christmas Eve night at my house so we wouldn't wake up alone this year. I should have taken pictures of my 6'8 dad in Benjamin's bunk bed (It was cute, and no, he was not on the top bunk!) I had a revolving door of family and friends for days, which made things easier.

Last year, I was 8 months pregnant with Timothy Emmanuel (named after my father) and stretching a Christmas Snoopy T-shirt. This year, I did wear the Snoopy Christmas T-shirt again, but with considerably more room. It was surreal not to have Bryan on Christmas Day. He would have had the camcorder out, filming Timothy's 1st Christmas. He would have read scripture of Jesus birth straight from the Bible. He would have been the first in line to eat my Christmas brunch food! And he would have been the one to pray thanks over our food.

After Bryan died, I genuinely thought that all traditions would have to stay as is. I didn't like the thought of any change, but as Christmas approached, I found myself not being able to keep certain traditions. I remember walking to my parents house last year on Christmas morning and trying to get their front door open fast so Bryan wouldn't drop the hot dish of breakfast potatoes. I couldn't imagine taking that same short walk across the yard this year without Bryan, so I asked to have Christmas at my house. I purchased an advent calendar with cute plushy manger characters last year. Bryan let Benjamin pick a character each day during the month of December and would have this long story like conversation with Benjamin about the role that Mary played in the birth of Jesus, or the Lamb, just depending on what plushy character Benjamin picked. I just couldn't take the advent calendar out of the closet this year.

I did not like excluding Bryan from my Christmas shopping. I could be in any store and think "Oh, he always needs new socks." Thoughts like this one are a quick sharp pain to the heart, when my brain is routined and I think of Bryan as alive and then my heart reminds me that he is alive but with Jesus. I couldn't bring myself to send out Christmas cards and it is still awkward to exclude his name from the family signature. I am looking forward to the day when I will not have these thoughts and all I can say is it is one day at a time.

I did wonder what Christmas was like for Bryan this year. I can only imagine that Heaven always celebrates Jesus. I can see Bryan playing music, singing, and dancing for joy as he is perfectly content and happy in the presence of his Savior. The one perfect person, the only one capable of loving him perfectly, the one who erased his sin nature, the one who welcomed him into Heaven with open arms and the one that he wants to spend eternity with. My encouragement is that I strongly feel that Bryan does not miss this life. I think it is an infinite concept that my finite mind cannot grasp, but I do sense that I cannot dwell on my past and I must choose to look at my future. There will be a day that I am given perfect peace. My tears and pain are temporary. Thank you Jesus for being born and for dying. As I was reminded in a dream "This life is so temporary, and Heaven is so eternal, I'll see!" Bryan loved his first Christmas in Heaven and I survived my first Christmas without Bryan. God is good and he is with us!

Matthew 1:23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Emmanuel” (which means “God with us”).

Faith of a Child

2010-12-20T13:01:00.000-05:00

Mark 10:13-16 "And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them."

I share alot of stories about Bryan, usually his corky ways and my sarcastic responses to his ways, but that was our relationship. Truth be known, I was very protective of Bryan's reputation. I tried very hard to keep him organized and I always had his best interest at heart. I did not accept criticism of him lightly and he was always the one telling me "don't worry about it." There are so many things that he did that were unexplainable to others but as his witness of 13 years, he had something very right- He had faith of a child.

Bryan was a complicated person truly, but he had such an innocence to him. I always sensed that he was a 5 year old trapped in an older body in many ways. He loved to talk to everyone but sometimes didn't have the social que to cut the conversation short. He would hug a teenager at church or kiss the forehead of an elder with no reservation. His eyes got real big and his smile real wide when he talked to you as if you were the most exciting person he had ever met. He loved a good belly laugh and did not care if he hit the floor in laughter or stomped his feet while laughing.

Bryan's faith in Jesus was equal to his outlook on life. He had such a desire to know God's word that I could easily compare him to a child seeking his father's attention and wisdom. Without exaggeration, Bryan would stay up from about 9 pm to 2-3 am most nights, reading scripture, creating projects that would be used for teaching or preaching, listening to preaching, studying theology books, you name it. He had a practice of sleeping with earplugs and had listened to the Bible on tape repeatedly since high school. He was that extreme about learning the nature of God.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day distractions of being an adult. Work, cooking, cleaning, children, leisure, responsibilities in general. Remember when life was less complicated and the worst thing happening was homework and vegetables? It is so necessary to lay aside adult distractions and approach Jesus as innocent as a child would approach their parent. My thoughts: I will depend on my Jesus for all of my needs, I will seek his attention, I will tell him my trials, I will be obedient and I will be grateful. I was jealous (for lack of better words) that Bryan lived so "carefree" in the sense that he had no concern for the things of this world. As his witness of 13 years, I can say he wasn't ignorant of the world, he just chose not to be apart.

The Bun Bun

2010-12-19T19:45:00.000-05:00

Just one week before I was to be induced with Timothy, Bryan came home with a pet bunny rabbit, Benjamin called him a "bun bun," but named him Mario (yes, after Super Mario). Our conversation went like this, "Seriously, Bryan! You bought a bunny rabbit one week before we bring home our second child?" "Did you think to call me first." Bryan- "I knew you would say no, but I wanted Benjamin to have something he could care for since you will be busy with a new baby." I have to admit the "bun bun" was cute but I was paranoid about germs and a new baby, so the "bun bun" became Bryan and Benjamin's exclusive responsibility. Benjamin loved his "bun bun" and that became his daddy time everyday- feeding and cleaning the "bun bun."

A few days later, Bryan decided the "bun bun" needed a companion (oh, yes he did!). Without warning, he brought home a second "bun bun,"- Luigi. Our conversation went like this, "Bryan, I am very pregnant, so I am choosing just not to speak with you. I will get back with you when I am not as hormonal." Bryan flashed his big grin at me. He had a way of "getting his way" with that smile. So life went on. Timothy was born and Benjamin had his two "bun buns."

One night we were sleeping and I heard an awful noise on our back porch. I ran to the back to see what was going on (Bryan didn't budge, he could sleep through a bomb). A raccoon had somehow gotten into the rabbit cage on our back porch and took off with the "bun bun." I ran to get Bryan but he just couldn't save the rabbits life. The raccoon had done its damage. Bryan was so upset because that was Benjamin's "bun bun." When morning came, Bryan said, "I have to explain to Benjamin what death means." Being mommy, I told Bryan that I didn't want Benjamin upset, so I would just buy a new rabbit that looked like the old one. I remember vividly saying "I do not want Benjamin to know about death any earlier than he needs to."

I have carried the guilt with me for 5 months that maybe God allowed that "bun bun" to be taken by the raccoon so that Bryan could explain death to Benjamin from his own words. Bryan usually did what he wanted anyway, I wished in this instance that he had ignored my advice and talked with Benjamin anyway. Bryan definitely was spirit lead in many areas, and as "knowledgeable" as I thought I was on death from my psychology/counseling education, Bryan was right in this circumstance to be truthful with Benjamin about the rabbits death. I did purchase a new rabbit and Benjamin knew right away that it was an impostor. Both bunnies have since found new homes.

Last week, Benjamin and I sat with his speech teacher for our biweekly lesson. Some of the pictures solicited a conversation about rabbits. I said, "Benjamin, remember you had bunny rabbits?" Benjamin replied, "Yeah, the raccoon got it and it died." I looked at him in shock. "Who told you that, Benjamin?" Benjamin said, "Daddy did." I sure do miss the man who smiled at me when he raised my blood pressure but taught our child about life and death.

Revelation 21:4 "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

Santa isn't coming to my house!

2010-12-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

We are early risers. Timothy is usually up at 4:30 am, and never later than 6 am. Benjamin rolls out of bed at about 6 am, sometimes 6:30. So, we get family time every morning before I head to work. This morning we watched the Bible for children on DVD. It is a DVD with cartoon animated Biblical characters that gives small children a visual idea of what the Bible teaches and then leads into parent discussion. It's the best representation I have ever seen in animation, it's not cheesy like some Biblical cartoons. Bryan wanted our children to own the entire series, so I get a new DVD here and there. I recently bought the video with Jesus' birth, so this morning we watched the story line of Mary finding out she was pregnant, Joseph being told by an angel that Mary was carrying the Son of God, and then all of the events that lead up to the birth of our Savior. I sat behind both on my children as they watched (even the 10 month old sat and watched) and glanced at Bryan's portrait on the wall and thought "I promised I would raise your children to know Jesus."

When Bryan and I first decided to have children, we discussed all of the parenting topics that we suspected came with having children. How would we discipline? Public vs private schooling? He graduated from Sandalwood, I graduated from University Christian. We really discussed alot, and I feel that I have a strong understanding of how he would prefer his children to be raised, in all areas. Then we discussed the Santa Claus tradition. We both grew up believing in Santa. I was pretty young when I figured it out. I can remember vividly waiting for my parents to go to sleep after they placed my "Santa toys" under the tree and I would sneek to the living room and play with my awesome Barbie McDonald's station with the itty bitty hamburgers and fries. I had to have played for hours that night. Sorry Chad, but I have to rat us out. Once Chad was a little older, we would unwrap the sides of the presents, see what everything was and then tape the edges back. Christmas was fun!

Bryan's story was a little different. He believed in Santa until he was much older. He remembered the day he found out Santa did not exist and he felt betrayed and lied to. Children are resilient and they move past "issues" like these, but I was in agreement with Bryan when we decided that Santa does not visit our home. Since Benjamin was born, we have taught that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus birthday and Jesus "provides" the presents that appear under the tree on Christmas morning. This is not meant to be offensive to anyone, this was our personal conviction when it came to Santa. Benjamin knows exactly who Santa is, he wears the hats, we participate in all Christmas traditions, but thats just what they are...traditions.

I reference Evangelist Ray Comfort alot because he is Biblically sound. He said something that made our conviction make sense. Why would we teach our impressionable children that there is a Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and then teach them there is also a Jesus that we cannot visibly see. We confuse children and almost place Jesus in that mythical category along with Santa. Would I ever want to take the chance that Jesus is not real to my children because Santa is not real? That sounds extreme and I admit that I grew up with Santa and I still believe in Jesus. I can only say that it came from personal conviction and just an attitude of "Is it really necessary, Benjamin's still getting the presents he wants." No matter how your family celebrates the birth of Jesus, always include that Santa may bring presents, but Jesus is the one coming for his children.

"Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One?" "I am," said Jesus. "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven." Mark 14:61-62

Father to the Fatherless

2010-12-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

Benjamin told one of Bryan's friends this weekend "I don't have a daddy anymore." It broke my heart because usually his statement is "My daddy died." That at least implies that he has a daddy, he just happens to live with Jesus. Benjamin is at a difficult age where death is just becoming a semi-real event. 4 year olds have a concept that death is temporary. Tom and Jerry always manage to survive! I was touched by my friend, Jennifer Richardson's posting this week about the book Love You Forever. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." It's a book about the natural process of a mother loving her child when he is young and continuing to love the child as an adult, then the mother reaches old age and the son replies "As long as I'm living my mommy you'll be." That's how I saw my future. Mom and Dad grow old and then die but we are not forgotten! It hurts to know that my children are so young that particularly Benjamin will have little memory of his dad and Timothy will most likely have none. I have avoided this posting because talking about my children being "fatherless" is my greatest pain, but that subtle nudging from God keeps me typing.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" Psalm 68:5. I have asked God many times, "What does this look like?" I understand that God will look out for his children and provide all of our needs, but what does this practically look like? I am the one pacing the floors by myself in the middle of the night with a teething baby. "God, would you please make this baby go to sleep?" Ha! I will say that the past 5 months have been a tremendous learning curve for me. God has revealed himself and made his presence known so clearly in my life, that I know he is has plans for me and my children. I am trying to have the attitude of "What do you want to show me God." I think God quietly talks to us more than we know, we just get so caught in the daily routine of life that we miss his guidance.

Benjamin and Timothy have the men in our family who love them and spend time with them (ie...world's best grandpa award goes to PEPA). There are quite a few men in our church who I know "look out" for my children and would be available in a moments notice if needed. Bryan's friend's love on our children with the same fondness they had for him. Just last night Bryan's friend Paul Young came over after work because his wife and children were at my house for a play date. When he walked in my house, his children ran to the door excitedly saying "Daddy, Daddy." Benjamin just stood and watched. It saddened me that he doesn't have his daddy to greet at the door every night, but Paul in his loving discernment looked at Benjamin, held his arms open and said "Where's my hug Benjamin?" Benjamin instantly had a grin on his face and ran to hug Paul. I think that's what "Father to the Fatherless" practically looks like. God sends the right men at the right time to meet my children's needs. I am always looking for a Wii player I will add! Whatever our future holds, I continue to know that my children and I are not forsaken. God is our father, he loves us and provides all of our needs, even if its just a hug.

Jeremiah 49:11 "Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive; and let thy widows trust in me."

Super cute children

2010-12-05T18:22:00.001-05:00

2010-12-05T18:22:00.000-05:00

Super cute children

2010-12-05T18:20:00.000-05:00

2010-12-05T18:19:00.001-05:00

Super cute children

2010-12-05T18:19:00.000-05:00

Blue Bracelets

2010-12-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

The Extreme Evangelism Ministry aka "The Jesus Bus" partnered with PHAAT Life and Dad's Against Drunk Driving today for a parade/prayer walk. Most of the board members went to facilitate, Wally Bowden, Bill Corbitt, Brian Houghton and of course the keeper of the bus, my father Irving Cornwell. We always give out tracts at each and every event, but today for the first time ever, blue bracelets were used as slingshots and shot into the crowd! Of course, they are not just any blue bracelet. It's the bracelet that I haven't taken off my wrist since the Evangelism board had them made in Bryan's honor. They read "JESUS LOVES YOU-BT http://www.thejesusbus.com/. (His favorite phrase when answering the phone) I have had many opportunities to speak with people who are interested in "the blue bracelet." Usually, they want to know what the story is behind the bracelet. It was the catalyst for Benjamin talking with our encouraging "Chick fil a man" (he has a name by the way, but it's fun to have a blog mascot), I've seen strangers cry in the grocery store after I share my story, and I can't say that I am surprised that an inanimate object can be used for God's ministry.

The year Jacksonville was home to the Superbowl, Bryan was able to get a vendors pass for the Jesus Bus. I have no idea how he managed, but he always knew somebody who knew somebody, so we had our vendors pass and drove to the forefront of the crowd. I am not a "football person" and was so surprised that a majority of the crowd appeared intoxicated and the game had not even started. Bryan explained the whole tailgating thing and we actually dove into the scene. We have video footage which is quite humorous. So, the game was scheduled to begin soon and we loaded the bus and circled the stadium (with our awesome vendor pass). We threw $100 dollar bills (the standard size that looked like real money) into the crowd with the gospel message on the back. The crowd went crazy! It was actually alot of fun but I always wondered if they were mad later when they realized the money in their pockets were just tracts?

Now, that may seem so silly to some people, but Bryan gave out thousands of tracts in his lifetime. What is the harm of quickly giving a small piece of paper with God's message of grace and forgiveness?
"The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully" 2 Corinthians 9:6. Bryan gave tracts at the grocery store, hospitals, homeless men, Disney World, pretty much anywhere. I used to question how effective "passing out tracts" really could be. Bryan's example showed me that just his simple act of obedience to God in "sowing," increased Bryan's opportunity to be a witness for Jesus. Even if his tract never opened up a conversation, Bryan reminded me that the Holy Spirit is the only one who can convict a person's heart. Jesus said, "And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment" John 16:8. So, no excuses! (That includes my reserved self). Just be obedient, share Jesus with others and allow the Holy Spirit to do the convicting. It's a step in the right direction.

*Blue bracelets available through Wally Bowden, board treasurer, on facebook

35 years, 8 months, 16 days

2010-12-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

I was speaking with a co-worker the other day about Disney World and family trips. My entire family had volunteered for the "Give a Day, Get a Day" back in March of this year and we earned free tickets to Disney. I have to say the volunteering wasn't easy. My mother and I probably had the easier tasks of mulching, bagging leaves and picking up sticks. Bryan spray painted a pavilion, my brother and sister in law planted trees, and my father had the worst job of pulling heavy objects out of the ground. Benjamin worked all day and was not old enough to earn a ticket, but he compensated for my lack of work. We were all so excited to take a Disney trip that we went a few weeks later. I look back and am very grateful that we had that vacation with Bryan. Benjamin rode any ride they would let him on including Splash Mountain and Thunder Mountain. He loved it! No fear (like his daddy).

Since losing Bryan, I have frequently considered all of the future life events that he will never experience with his family. Benjamin will be 5 years old this month, Timothy's first birthday is approaching, Bryan will not see his children graduate, get married or have children. Those are incredibly painful thoughts for me. My mind wants to "go there" and think of my broken future and unfulfilled plans. When I have these moments of sadness, God reminds me that my own days are numbered. Job 14:5 says "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Bryan's limit was 35 years, 8 months and 16 days. I have limited days myself, whether its 35 yrs or 95 yrs, they are still limited and determined. Instead of planning for Disney, I wonder what I would do different if I knew I had a short time left?

If I felt a sense of urgency, I would quit my job, stop paying bills, travel with my children to places of the world I had never seen and eat whatever I want. In all seriousness, my biggest concern would be my family and friends who do not know Jesus the way I do. I wouldn't want to leave this life knowing I didn't share Jesus. If Bryan were writing this blog, he could give you hundreds of scriptures of why Jesus is really the Son of God, died as a perfect man, and defeated death by rising from the dead. He could challenge any "man-made religion" and tell you why believing in Jesus has nothing to do with "religion" but having a relationship with the Father of creation and his perfect son, Jesus. I wish I knew everything Bryan knew because I would be a more effective follower of Jesus. What I do know is that God is the God of all comfort. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

The comfort of God is the ONLY thing that makes my loss bearable. I have said it so many times in the last 4 months, "How do people suffer loss without God?" If God has chosen to use my loss and suffering to show others that HE is REAL, so be it. Bryan would say his life was worth taking if one person would accept that Jesus is who He says He is and make a decision to live for Him. Bryan had "a list" of people that he was praying for specifically to know Jesus. I know that list and pray for their salvation also. I think when we lose someone suddenly at a premature age, it is a big wake-up call that our days are limited. I have to use the Bryan quote again, "There's a new statistic out on death. 10 out of every 10 people die. Are you ready? Do you know Jesus?"

Baby Steps

2010-11-29T22:28:00.000-05:00

My 9 month old is starting to walk! He pulls himself from the floor to the couch and holds on while carefully walking around on his own two feet. It's exciting to see his growth but it does feel like yesterday that he just started crawling. Regardless, I am happy because he is happy. I have to say that I am partially responsible for his new independence (along with Granny Rose, another God-sent person in my life, who cares for Timothy during the day). I encourage Timothy to walk. I cheer him on with my words, "Good Job Timothy, Mommy is proud of you."

I have received personal emails since starting this blog from people who have experienced loss. I completely empathize with the feelings of wanting to stay in bed and not face the world, not wanting to eat or eat too much, not wanting to socialize around "happy" people, and finding contentment in everyday activities. When Bryan first died, it took everything in me to return to church the next Sunday. I knew for me personally that I had to because I would have avoided the unavoidable too long and it would have only become more difficult to return. My first Sunday without seeing Bryan in the sanctuary was a horrible experience. For 13 years, I had either seen him on stage singing, playing, preaching, at the sound board, baptizing, powerpoint, skits, or something! I physically had chest pains, my heart was racing, I couldn't breath and I remember thinking "Please don't passout, that would be super embarrassing." I was pulling out all of my counseling techniques: deep breaths, think of a happy place, the usuals. That has improved but honestly it's still hard to attend a church building where I met Bryan, he proposed twice in that sanctuary (long story), we married, we played praise and worship music and I had his funeral. With all that said, the people in the church are my encouragement and I would not consider leaving. So, I had to "get over it."

I am getting somewhere with all of this. I have to take my own baby steps in order to walk again. It's completely natural to want to avoid life when bad things happen or when life isn't going our way. However, I learned years ago when dealing with anxiety that the more I avoid things, the more likely I will never attempt it at all. "That the LORD your God may show us the way wherein we may walk, and the thing that we may do" Jeremiah 42:3. This is my prayer to God- "Show me the way to walk and the things I should do." Just as I guide Timothy around the couch, God guides me daily with my next steps. I just have to be willing to get out of bed to take those steps. Don't avoid life because it's painful. Don't forget that you have a heavenly father who loves you and cheers you on to walk. "And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk you in it, when you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left" Isaiah 30:21. Be encouraged to take baby steps! ~ I am.

Read with Caution!

2010-11-28T00:10:00.000-05:00

I just watched my father being interviewed on Channel 4 after he attended a Prayer Walk at Edwards Waters College with The Jesus Bus. A news reporter was at the event to cover the Prayer Walk, saw The Jesus Bus and contacted the station to tell them the bus was at the event. The reporter was informed to "jump on the story." The accuracy was not exactly there, but I am always grateful when the media doesn't delete Jesus' name. The Jesus Bus has attended 5 events since Bryan's death. It was very natural and difficult at the same time to carry on what Bryan and my father had started. Watching the news clip tonight though brought back some painful feelings that are just part of this story. Please READ WITH CAUTION! I in no way want to "sow discord" or anger into anyone. I completely realize that this is my personal struggle and if anything am grateful for prayer.

The news clip recapped some of the accident from July 10th. To see that green Ford Taurus with the broken windshield still brings anger. Ironically, Bryan drove a white Ford Taurus when I first met him; I will never forget getting in the passenger side and seeing the window broken with a piece of plexiglas screwed into another piece of plexiglas and somehow that was reinforcing the broken window?! You had to see it to believe it, but I could see it in my mothers eyes "My baby is driving off in that thing?" My parents would soon pay to have his window replaced! Ha! The things you remember.

I do get asked ALOT about what really happened that day and I have to admit that it gets harder to talk about so I will share from my side one last time. Bryan did step off the bus but was not hit immediately. We were pulled over on the right side of a two lane residential road. Bryan smiled at me, had tracks and invites in one hand and a cordless microphone in the other when he stepped off. He exited from the right of the bus and did not walk directly in front of the bus. He was not running, but he wasn't casually walking either. He was excited! He had a "pep in his step" if you know what I mean. There was a family waiving across the street and he was going to invite them to church! He strolled across the street at an angle that placed him 15 feet in front of the bus and past the center of the street when he was hit. In fact my father said he was nearly 2 steps from actually reaching the grass on the other side of the road. The green Ford Taurus just seemed to come from nowhere. By this time, neighbors were out of their homes and on both sides of the street. The driver of the car simply did not yield and drove around the bus into the left lane and struck Bryan. My dad says that the car clipped Bryan's legs, his head hit the windshield, somehow his body mangled around the cars right rear view mirror (which is what caused the damage to the brain stem) and lifted him 8 feet into the air before he flew forward and landed head first in the road.

When the accident first occurred, I completely had resolved that this was an accident and it could happen to anyone. I felt for the 66 year old driver. I wanted to know if she was OK; I wanted to know how she responded. I did not know her name and I had no way of contacting her. Then the homicide investigation started. I would soon learn that she was at least driving 30 mph (which is what the final report lists). I learned that there were no tire marks on the road indicating that she never hit the breaks. I remember thinking "How do you not see a 250 lb man in the road? Was she looking forward or watching the neighbors or the bus. Why would she not slow down? It did look like a mini block party with flashing lights and music coming from a giant blue school bus. Why was she in such a hurry?

I'll never forget the homicide detective coming to my house with some answers and some heart stopping news. Only 1 year and 4 days prior, this same driver hit and killed an adorable 22 year old young man while he was on a motorcycle with his girlfriend. I looked at this young man' s picture and just couldn't breath. I remember thinking "How do you kill 2 people in one year? My questions became "Can she see? Does she have a disability? Was she drinking? Should she be driving?" There are questions that I will just never know but what I do know is that she told police she was out fishing that morning and used that road to pass through. She did have a bucket of fish in her floorboard and a bamboo fishing pole hanging from her window. Seriously, Bryan, my "Fisher of Men" hit and killed by a car that was driven by a women just out fishing?

I could rant and rave about all of the small details but I just do not want this blog to be about "that." The conclusion was that pedestrians should yield to traffic. With that said, the homicide report also sites that Bryan really never had a chance. It was concluded that with the curve in the road and at her full speed without yielding to the bus, it only took her 1.6 seconds to reach Bryan from the time she passed the bus and hit Bryan. So computer generated pictures and stats will show that Bryan never saw a car and would have had no response time.

I have since been in contact with the family of the first victim. They are a sweet family, still trying to cope with life without their loved one. This is the point where I become very limited in how I can resolve why this accident even occurred. I have had no contact with the driver. I have heard disheartening feedback, but God does remind me that we are ALL in need of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I do know that The Jesus Bus has been to her apartment complex and Bryan himself had ministered to her neighborhood. I will always wonder if he had given this women a track in years past? Last I heard her license was suspended as a result of not showing for a mandatory driving test. I know if Bryan could speak for himself he would say "Forgive her." I think as a father who always guarded Benjamin on our roads while riding bicycles he would also say "Please just slow down when you see people out in the yards or on the road."

I cannot say that I have resolved this to the point that I know God would expect. I still can't help but wonder if I am missing something? Am I supposed to lobby for road safety? Why could this have not been simplified and Bryan was the first fatality? I am still waiting for these answers. I meant the Read with Caution statement. I have simply shared this story for those who want to know and now I will not have a need to talk about it. There really is no room for anger. Nothing can bring Bryan back. Do I think this women woke up on July 10th and thought she would hit and kill Bryan? Absolutely not! Accidents absolutely do happen. But I would like to add DRIVE WITH CAUTION and WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS AND MOTORCYCLES.

Psalm 147:5 "Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."

Our Last Morning

2010-11-27T08:25:00.000-05:00

We woke up on Saturday, July 10th like we would on any normal weekend. We were meeting the children's pastor (I never refer to him by his name because he is also a Bryan and that would be confusing) at the church at 9 am, so we were busy getting ready. I was sitting on the edge of our bed applying makeup and 5 month old Timothy was snuggled in a blanket sitting in his baby papasan beside me on the bed. Bryan walked in our room looking for his wallet (a daily routine). He saw Timothy, smiled and kissed his cheek. Timothy smiled back. Bryan kneeled on one knee at the edge of our bed and kissed my cheek but never lost eye contact with Timothy. His cheek met mine and Bryan just froze in time and watched Timothy. I remember thinking how sweet it was that Bryan's cheek was pressed against mine. It was a short moment where two proud parents, joined together could just watch their precious child with no words spoken but loud and clear a sense of "I am in love with this baby." It was a precious moment that I thank God for, not knowing that it was my last kiss from Bryan. And then he was off, looking for that wallet again! He thought maybe he left it next door at my parents from the night before so he went searching. This is when my mother would get her last hug from Bryan after he thanked her for giving us anniversary money two days prior.

Bryan found his wallet! It was stuck between the seat of my parents couch. A very common place for his wallet, cell phone, or keys after he reclined on "his" favorite couch. We all finished getting ready and I walked Timothy next door so my mother could watch him. We had not discussed taking Benjamin with us that morning. He had gone with us last year to invite children to Vacation Bible School, so I said "Benjamin, come with us to invite your friends to church." I remember having other children from our church go with us the prior year and I knew Benjamin would enjoy himself, being that he is a "little Bryan." I really regret Benjamin being with us that morning, but I just had no way of knowing.

Bryan went to get my dad and they drove "The Jesus Bus" to the front of our house to pick me up. He came back in the house to get me, that's when I said, "Benjamin's coming with us so he can invite friends to VBS." Bryan smiled and knelt again on one knee so that he was eye level with Benjamin. I remember him saying, "Benjamin, daddy is proud of you for wanting to invite children to church so they can learn about Jesus." Benjamin smiled and Bryan kissed Ben's forehead. We all loaded the bus and headed for the church. We did stop to get gas, which takes a while to fill that tank. I remember starting to get horrible stomach cramps to the point I almost said turn around and take me home.

We arrived at the church and our children's pastor was already there. Bryan and Bryan went into the cafeteria to load ice and popsicles into a cooler. I took Benjamin to the church restroom since we would be on the bus for a while and my stomach cramps were getting worse. From then on, our "normal" day was beginning to become peculiar. No one else from the church showed to go invite children to VBS. We starting talking about who had been invited and even waited for people to show. We have always had a bus full for this event. Then a church member drove into the parking lot with muffins in hand. She was confused and thought it was Sunday. She was dressed and everything. Bryan invited her to go with us. You can tell she considered it, but declined. She was in a dress and ready for church.

We finally decided we would start inviting so we loaded. I told Bryan about my stomach cramps and he asked me if I wanted to go home. I remember thinking to myself no because Benjamin would want to stay and I would worry the whole time. So I stayed and we drove across the street to Santa Monica. We have two church family friends who live on this street. Bryan turned the theme song music for the VBS program on and had a wireless microphone where he would announce our presence. If that street was not awake at 10 am on a Saturday morning, they were now!

Bryan was announcing on the microphone, "Good Morning Englewood! We are from University Baptist Church and would like for you to come to Vacation Bible School." I remember looking at our children's pastors face and thinking this is his first "Jesus Bus Experience." I asked him if he had a preference on how he would like to invite the neighborhood. Bryan was just in his element and was doing what he was used to. The music and microphone were working because neighbors were coming our of their homes. We started passing out flyers sand popsicles. Bryan had the opportunity to talk with Pushpa, our church family member. Benjamin was beside Bryan almost the entire first half of that street. The "Bryan's" didn't realize that it was Benjamin's exclusive job to pass out popsicles, so when they beat him to a door and gave popsicles, Benjamin burst into tears. He ran back to the bus where I was sitting with my stomach cramps and held him in my arms. I still do not know why I had such bad stomach cramps but I am glad that I was safely on the bus when Benjamin ran to my arms. The Bryan's both got back on the bus so we could drive further down the road and I was telling my Bryan that he had to let Benjamin be the popsicle "passer outer." Bryan agreed and with a smile on his face he stepped off that bus for the last time. Praise God for tears! Had Benjamin not been upset in my arms at that very moment, he would have been at his daddy's side. God knew I could not bear that loss.

I am grateful in all ways for God's provision. I am grateful that we all had Bryan kisses that morning. I am grateful that Bryan was happy that morning. I am grateful Bryan loved his children. I am grateful that he died literally with a smile on his face and serving his Lord.

Thanksgiving was our special day

2010-11-25T07:43:00.000-05:00

University Baptist Church was feeding the homeless and had organized a large event with food, music and all. Bryan and I had been talking for months but that day was different. The Single's group was sitting at a table eating after we had served our guests. One particular Single's member was a young homeless man who had been visiting our church here and there. He said some inappropriate comments to me as we ate so Bryan in his own words said something like "You should stick by me today so I can look out for you." Well, wasn't he sweet. I would later find out that was his excuse to be with ME all day. I didn't realize that agreeing to stay by Bryan's side would include, setting up sound, watching him play keyboard, unloading food, and tearing down an outdoor stage. I was just volunteering to serve food! I remember thinking "What does he not do?" That day would lead to many others and we always remembered that serving homeless on Thanksgiving would be the "official" start to our relationship.

This year, I have to have the mindset of being grateful for what I do have and not dwelling on what I do not have. I have the most precious 9 month old whose front tooth is finally coming in! He has 4 bottom teeth and I was just starting to wonder what happen to those front teeth. His smile is a replica of Bryan's and he brings me so much joy. I have Benjamin who will be 5yrs old next month. Benjamin has his father's sweet spirit and "doesn't meet a stranger" attitude. I have to watch him close! He gently takes his small hands and fixes my hair and says "Mommy, your pretty." It just doesn't get better than that!

God has blessed me with two precious children that love me and give me daily joy. Through this blog, I have had countless emails from people who have also lost loved ones through death. It is hard not to miss them because we loved them and still do. Be with family today, love those you can wrap your arms around, and love those you remember. "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"
1 Thessalonians 5:18.

My Bryan Dream

2010-11-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

I have had multiple people tell me that they have had dreams about Bryan since he died. He is mostly smiling, laughing, or sharing funny stories. His mother's dream was pretty funny- he came to her wearing a blue corduroy suit- I said "Charlene, that was your dream because Bryan wouldn't wear that!" I have stories about how his mother used to dress him- I got ahold of him and introduced him to T-shirts and camoflage cargo shorts, but he had his years of suspenders and sweater vests. (Everyone is having their flashback of Bryan wearing a sweater vest right about now- I do like some sweater vests by the way).

I wanted to dream of Bryan, but I couldn't and still do not. My memory is really fogged with the accident and hospital, so I really think God protects me from dreaming right now. What would have been his 36th birthday was approaching on October 24th. I initially was going to boycott the day and hybernate. I really starting thinking that would make for a long, drawn-out day and I just wanted his birthday to come and go. So a week before, I sent a facebook invite to family and friends who really did alot for me in the days following the accident. I decided that being surrounded by people would make the day easier. I scanned Bryan's computer looking for a picture of him that I could attach to the invite. I found this:

He probably had downloaded it to use for a powerpoint, but it was called "Bridge to Heaven." It wasn't a picture of him, but I had to use it on the invite. I sent the invite out on facebook and that night I had a brief dream of Bryan. I was in this picture, on the bridge, walking towards the top, when I saw Bryan walking from Heaven. He met me half way and kissed me as if he had just seen me that morning, not that it had been 3 months. I starting crying and saying "Bryan, how I am supposed to do this without you? What about the kids?" Bryan had a smile on his face that made him look 5 years old and he talked with his whole body (which was Bryan). He reached his hands forward like his was holding a globe and said excitedly, "Joy, this is so temporary!" He then lifted his hands towards Heaven, "And this is so eternal. You'll see!" And then I woke up from a deep sleep.

That dream was so real, I felt as if he really was speaking to me. It was new dialog; I had never heard him use those phrases. I sat in bed, watched the shadows in my room, the house was very quiet and typically that is a scenario that can easily produce tears, but that night I had an overwhelming peace and comfort that everything was going to be OK. Bryan is in the presence of our creator! He is doing just fine. It made me think that in our finite minds, living a life without Bryan may feel like an eternity, but to him and in eternity, separation may feel like he just saw me this morning.

I know Heaven is a real place; I haven't been there but that's were faith plays its part. I have a framed portrait over my piano of a very quoted verse, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1.

Jesus himself said, "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life" John 5:24. I look forward to walking that bridge one day.

Letting go

2010-11-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

Letting go of Bryan's hand for the last time was just as hard as watching him near die on that road. The thought of never physically touching him again still makes me cry. His face did not look like "Bryan's face" when he was lying in that casket. Without his huge grin and natural angles, it was easy to detach from his face in the end. His eyes had also been used for organ donation so someone could have a cornea transplant and restore sight. His mouth was so bruised from tubes, the funeral home had to use funny colors of makeup and it just didn't look like him. I seriously contemplated a closed casket for his viewing, but I started thinking, if that were my family member or best friend, I would feel compelled to see him just one last time no matter how he looked. So I opted for open casket for those who wanted to see, but had him on a platform so you couldn't get too close.

Those hands... they were not "stiff" like I had experienced with other family members. His hands felt like his hands and I wanted so badly for him just to grasp me. When I was sitting in Shands hospital with him, I always had his hands in mine. I could imagine that he would lightly tap, tap, tap on my hand; that was his non-verbal way of saying "I Love You" when we were sitting in church or a movie. It was a gesture he had done since we started dating 13 years ago. I loved him so much, I just tapped, tapped, tapped on his hand all week hoping he knew that, just in case "he" was anywhere in that unconscious body.

I have had to "let go" of many things since Bryan's death. It was physically painful for me to throw away his stale cereal after I let it sit for weeks on top of the refrigerator. That sounds silly, but I do not eat Captain Crunch Peanut Butter Cereal. It is equally difficult to walk by cereal and pineapple at the grocery store because I do not eat it and I now do not have a need to buy it for Bryan. There are many objects that are used in everyday activities that are difficult to "let go" of. I stare at Men's American Crew shampoo every morning in the shower, still can't move his toothbrush or razor, but a sweet friend at work who has "gone before me" told me that could take a year.

I have been able to move the GIANT 3-D kite off of my baby grand piano. That took me about 3 months, but it was an eye sore. Bryan found it at Harbor Freight this summer for $5. He was so excited to buy it because it really is huge. He always took Benjamin to the beach or park to fly kites. We also have a giant 3-D Star Wars ship (I always wondered if he was buying for Benjamin or himself). Anyway, he tried so hard to fly that giant kite with Benjamin this summer. I would say, don't take this the wrong way but "wrong season for wind." He kept trying though; I can still see him running down the hill of our back yard, hoping it would catch wind. Bryan placed the kite on my piano, and for a while I just couldn't move anything that he had last touched.

I am slowly starting to see that "change" is good. I cannot live in a time- capsule for the sake of "holding on to Bryan." It is actually very painful and debilitating. In my Bible study group, as I have mentioned before, we are studying the book of Ruth. The author of the Bible study, Kelly Minter, talks about "grieving forward." Ruth, a new widow, and her mother in law both in grieving, move to another city for the sake of finding food. However, in that change of scenery, Ruth began to see God's intent for her life. God would later orchestrate a beautiful new relationship and "place" Boaz, a Godly man, into her life. She wasn't looking for "a man," but God saw it in His plan to give her another one. (Please do not read between the lines here- ha)

What I take from Ruth's story is that she needed to follow God's subtle nudges towards a different path. I personally HATE change. I am sure that in God's infinite wisdom, He is somehow "molding me" into the person I need to be for the next season of my life, but don't think for a second, I am not that 3 year old child inside kicking and screaming. I can still hear my dear friend Mandy Gunning singing "The Potter's Hand"-(Bryan was great at singing David Crowder and Michael W Smith type songs, but the more worshipful songs he always passed to Mandy when she was in our Praise Team.)

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Savior

I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand.

Crafted into Your perfect plan.

You gently call me into Your presence

Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit, teach me dear Lord.

To live all of my life through your eyes.

I'm captured by Your holy calling

Set me apart, I know You're drawing me to Yourself

Lead me Lord, I pray.

Take me, mold me, use me, fill me,

I give my life to the Potter's hand.

Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me

I give my life, to the Potter's hand.~ Darlene Zschech

"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand" Isaiah 64:8. In a strange way, I am excited to see what God has in store for me. Why does he have to "break me and mold me" so early in life? What does he have planned for me? What will I look like like when God is finished sculpting me? Hopefully, closer to the image of God.

Sometimes

2010-11-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes life just does not make sense. I definitely had different plans for mine. When Bryan first died, I could hardly speak words to even pray. I would try praying to God and it was so painful to acknowledge my grief that many times I would just sing. I sang the song "Sometimes" written by Quincy Richardson at least 20 times a day for the first 2 months. (Bryan has all of Psalm 150 Funk songs on his website at http://www.bryanturner.org/ and I am still waiting for this song to be Quincy's "one hit wonder" because it is worthy of it). Lyrics of "Sometimes"-

Jesus, name above all names, It calms my fears and dries my tears

I know, You care for me ‘cause you’re always near, But sometimes, the rain clouds come, bringing hurt and pain, And I feel so empty inside, And I feel so empty, empty

Sometimes I just can’t see Your hand, Sometimes I cannot understand

But I know You’re always there for me even when it’s raining

And sometimes when I’m all alone, I shed a tear, reach out to find a friend, but there’s no one near, Then the words of the promise You made, come back to me

I will never leave you, You said, I will never leave you, leave you

Deuteronomy 31:8 says, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Even though I am in the worst season of my life, I am so encouraged by small reminders that God knows who I am and I am not forsaken during this trial. Everyday I say to myself "this is the last blog, I have said too much, this is too personal" and then I get a sweet message from someone who is going through their own trial and receives encouragement that they are not alone. Quincy had no idea that a song he wrote 10 plus years ago would minister to his friends widow, but he had to experience his trial in order to write this song.
Bryan's death is not in vain; I am sure there is purpose behind this trial; Sometimes it's just hard to understand God's bigger plan but He promises not to leave me.

God prepared me for this day

2010-11-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

It was the summer of 1997 and I went to the church to pick up our new class roll for the Singles department so I could make calls for an event. We had a brand new Singles Pastor, Ben Gutierrez from Liberty University who I ran into right inside of the church and he had a tall, cute intern with him, Bryan Turner. I have no idea what we talked about except that Ben told him I was the class secretary. Bryan flashed his huge smile and I thought, "Oh, no..I am in trouble." (I kind of had a boyfriend). We would casually talk for months and sealed the deal on Thanksgiving Day. He was my total opposite. He was a social butterfly and I was shy. We started hanging out with his best friend Paul and his girlfriend Jennifer (who is now one of the "4 J's"). Jennifer would later tell me she thought I was a snob when she first met me but then realized I was just shy. I loved being around Bryan; I felt like I was living a life that I never dared for myself.

I grew up playing piano and even teaching it, yet would never play publicly until I met Bryan. He would say "you can't fear things your whole life." No kidding, when he became a Praise and Worship Pastor, he looked at me and said "Joy, you are my keyboardist." He would not let me back down. I use to have panic attacks in the bathroom before playing on Sundays. I remember trying to whine my way out of playing one Sunday, I said "Bryan, I am sick, I think I am going to throw up." That boy found a brown paper bag and placed it beside my keyboard. I was so mad at him, the anger made me forget how nervous I was. I look back now and smile with gratitude. That was the first step towards defeating anxiety that I had battled since childhood. I would not be the person I am today without Bryan's influence in my life.

We married in 2000 and 3 months later he was in a car accident. A car hit his driver's door and flipped his Jeep several times before his head hit a water mane. The keyboard and projector screen that he was transporting (since we were working in a plant church) flew forward and hit the back of his head. He was unconscious when neighbors called 911. I was with Jennifer when Shands Hospital called and asked me to come immediately. By the time I got to the hospital, he was conscious, talking funny from the brain swelling, had herniated disks in his neck and back, but he was alive! He would stay in Brooks Rehab for a month due to his brain injuries. He was supposed to be resting and receiving speech and OT treatment but every time I visited, he was down the hall in the waiting area, singing and playing guitar to a crowd of patients. What can I say? "That's just Bryan." I have heard that phrase a million times. That accident changed me. I could have lost Bryan after 3 months of marriage. I realized from that day forward that he was not mine for keeps. God could take him from me in the blink of an eye.

We had been married for about 5 years when the property next door to my parents became available. An old condemned cottage sat on a nice lot; Bryan jumped on the idea of buying the property. I was hesitant because this would mean we would have to build a house; That cost money and we have no knowledge of building homes. Well, we stepped out on faith, put our house on the market, it sold in 2 weeks at a 50% profit! (Obviously, this was before today's housing market). I could not believe that this happened; I was beginning to think that maybe God was for this move. We would move in with my parents and start looking for a contractor. Well, "Mr. Frugal" did not want to pay a contractor's fee so he studied for his contractor's license. When he got home, I asked how he did, he answered "Well the man who scored my exam said he wouldn't let me build his dog house, but I did pass!" That big grin came out again and I knew I was in trouble. Long story short, he had his hand in every aspect of building this house; Praise God he had my father's expertise to do alot of the work. But I will give Bryan credit, he did a good job. I have a beautiful home next door to my parents which I am now overly grateful for.

When you are in ministry, there are times when churches can only pay for part-time employment. So through the years, Bryan has taught, substituted and most interesting, sold insurance. There was the nicest couple at one of the plant churches that we served in; Bryan was trained in insurance and probably only did this job for about 6 months. He studied for some insurance exam and passed! Bryan was a very intelligent person when it came to studies. He always wondered why God would allow him to learn this trade that was so different from ministry and his calling. He compared it to the Biblical Paul being a preacher and a tent maker. So, Bryan now knew what insurance policies would be important, AD&D policies etc and we put these in place.

When we returned to UBC after serving in plant churches for 6 years, Bryan again lead the Praise and Worship. Our guitarist was an attorney who suggested it would benefit us to have a Will and other legal documents in place. I remember sitting in his office thinking, I hope I never have to actually use this Will. Then 2 years later I would be sitting in this same office except with an empty chair beside me. We discussed who would raise our children in the event we both die; Bryan quickly said "Joy's parents. Irving is a Godly man and would raise Benjamin the right way." I looked at him and he said to me "He raised you right." I wasn't going to disagree, I just thought it was sweet that he thought that highly of my parents. Now, it's even more comforting to know that in Bryan's absence, he knew my father would help me raise our boys.

There are many more ways that God prepared me for this day but can only blog so much. I remember being in the elevator at Shands 4 months ago with my father. I could tell he was really worried about how I would handle this tragedy. I stared at the elevator floor and said "Dad, don't repeat this to anyone, but God prepared me for this day." Now, I had no premonition that Bryan would die, I was just once again being flooded with multiple thoughts simultaneously of God's provision and how he set my path knowing this day would come. That is a deep concept to consider. You always hear people say "Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people." Maybe our outlook should be, God knew this day was coming and he made provisions for me to know that Bryan was not mine for keeps, to know how to conquer fear, to live next door to my parents knowing that I will need them, to have financial and legal decisions ready and to understand that God loves me enough to prepare me for this next season of my life.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord.I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.^"

"You shall have no other gods before Me" Exodus 20:3

2010-11-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

This blog has been an impulsive event for me every night. I put the kids to bed, take 20 minutes to write whatever comes to my heart and post (which will explain poor grammar and such). Every morning I wake up and have writer's remorse. What am I doing? Did I say too much? Who is even reading this? I figured out that you can view stats on how many people read each post: Hundreds read daily! I thought I had 26 followers! So now I am even more intimidated and humbled at the same time. So my shy side says "Abort, Abort!" Then God reminds me of my verse 2 Timothy1 :7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I've only said this verse about a million times in the past 4-months; you'd think it would stick by now.

So as I had writer's remorse in the shower at 5 am (because my 9 month old is off schedule and wakes at 4:30), I burst into tears. I literally could sense God say to my heart "no other gods." It's hard to describe, but have you ever had multiple thoughts at the same time? I recalled one of my first nights as a "new widow" and reading my Bible in bed alone with a sense of fear because I had lost my "live-in theologian." Who in the world was going to explain this giant complicated Bible to me now? I was very dependent on Bryan to quote scripture for me. "Hey Bryan, what does the Bible say about..." It is real easy to become lazy with your personal time with God when you live with a man who is always studying, always exposing you to scripture, always preaching..you get the point." Now my "wife-side" is wanting to express how imperfect Bryan really was because I am not a fan of "glorifying" people in death. Bryan is very compartmentalized in my brain: there was a spiritual side who walked with God daily, then their was the human- side that drove me bonkers sometimes. If I had to scrub dried cereal out of a coffee mug one more time or remind him to put gas in his car, so help me!

Bryan always said "Joy, don't put me on a pedestal, I will let you down; You have to know God for yourself. You are accountable for YOU on judgement day." I hope I don't present Bryan as cocky- he was the furthest thing from prideful. He was bold and direct when it came to God's word. I believe my tears this morning came from a fear that Bryan was taken from me because I used him as my handicap. God has shown me that "other gods" are not necessarily idols and Buddha. "Other gods" are any barriers that block my relationship with God. Money, television, people....anything. Since this morning, I have been comforted with the fact that God's plans are so much bigger than mine; He didn't remove Bryan because of my laziness, he allowed Bryan to be removed and made plans for others to see the glory of who God really is.

No exaggeration, I have received thousands of cards and emails since Bryan's death. Comments on how people have decided to live for Jesus after reading of Bryan's testimony in the papers or on the Internet. Some deciding to make major changes in their life, work on their marriage, go into ministry and more. When I wrote Ray Comfort at LivingWaters.com and thanked him for what his ministry meant to Bryan, he posted an excerpt of my email in his weekly newsletter, then I began receiving international letters from Canada to Bangkok. This is such a testimony of how God can take a very insignificant person by the world's standards and speak to the hearts of thousands. When you "sign up" to follow Jesus, you have to be willing to be used by Him. Bryan was used and continues to be used. Is this what I had planned for my life? Absolutely not! But it's not about me, it's about the only perfect person who ever lived and died for ALL- Jesus. (This is for you Janice Foster)- I feel compelled to quote an Amy Grant song "We believe in God, And we all need Jesus, 'Cause life is hard, And it might not get easier."

"No other gods..." I must make a personal effort to know God, I must remove all barriers, I should be grateful for preachers and teachers like Bryan, but not rely on them to be my intercessory to Jesus.

Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

Happy Anniversary!

2010-11-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

"Ten Years Ago - I married my best friend - she is still my beautiful bride - I Love You - Praise Jesus! Lord, bless us with a life time together!" (Bryan posted on facebook 2 days before the accident)

Our 10-year wedding anniversary was approaching on July 8, 2010. Bryan and I had discussed what we should do. We had all sorts of "big plans" but when the day approached it was more a conversation about what we could afford. I had been on maternity leave for 3 months, only returned to work for 5 weeks before I was off for the summer again. We were not the type to use a credit card for entertainment, so if it wasn't in the bank, we were not going to spend it. So, instead of being on a cruise for his last week on earth, we were together as a family. We had a wonderful week. We woke up on our 10 year anniversary with a 4 year old and 5 month old in our bed. I remember him saying "I miss snuggling but I do love our nest." My mother called to wish us a happy anniversary and said "I transferred $100 dollars to your account, please do something for your anniversary." (That would be my mother's last gift to Bryan and he would hug and thank her in person the morning of the accident).

Hooray! We had money to spend. We loaded the children and drove to St. Mary's Georgia Aquatic Center. We had so much fun the lazy river and the water slides. Benjamin was so happy that day and Timothy loved being in the water. Timothy was much more clingy to Bryan than our oldest had been; I just knew he was going to be a daddy's boy. I am so grateful that we didn't have money that week. If I knew that Bryan had one more week to live, I would want to spend it as a family, as we did. Something to consider when discontent with finances- Maybe having money sometimes leads us in a different direction than God would like for us to be.

That evening my parents babysat and Bryan and I went out for dinner. We ended up in 3 restaurants that night which was kind of comical. We started at a Japanese restaurant at the Town Center, but after we sat down, we decided we didn't want Japanese. We left and went to Bahama Breeze, Bryan got a fruit drink (no alcohol, of course) and then we decided we didn't want to eat there. It was a strange night, but comical. We ended up eating at a Mexican restaurant, can't remember the name but very good. Our conversation went something like this: Bryan said he wasn't doing enough for the Lord. My response, "Are you serious? I have never seen someone witness as diligently as you do!" Bryan said he wasn't sure what was next but he felt God had different plans for him than what he was doing. He was teaching at the school, which he genuinely loved his students, but I always said Bryan should have lived in a tent and been a street evangelist. He never was content with his acts of service for the Lord, even with the understanding that "good works" do not get a person to Heaven. He had an eagerness to live for God like no other person I have ever met.

I remember months before the accident watching Bryan at our house doing something nice for someone (can't remember) but I looked at him and said "Do you know what a good person you are?" Did I get a thank you? No! His response was "compared to what?" He quoted the scripture "all our righteousness are as filthy rags" Isaiah 64:6. Bryan was a huge supporter of http://www.livingwaters.com/ with Evangelist Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron. Ray is a modern day equivalent of Billy Graham. Bryan literally has purchased every book, resource and track from this ministry. They are also famous for "The Good Test" which you can take from their homepage. Bryan used this "Good Test" frequently when witnessing to show people their need for a Savior. It goes something like this: Have you every stolen anything? Have you ever told a lie? Have you ever looked at another man or women and lusted after them in your heart? So by your own admission, You are a lying, adulterous thief at heart?

What haunts me the most about our conversation that night at dinner was Bryan's uncertainty about his future, but my certainty that I was suppose to be an encouragement to others. I remember being in high school and praying at the alter during a "Spiritual Emphasis Week" and saying to God, "I will do what you ask of me." I felt a calling to ministry in some capacity before I met Bryan and after I met him, I supported whatever he did. If he was a youth pastor, I was with him; If he was a Worship Pastor, I played piano/keyboard for church (I even sang once at Noccatee Community Church- I know, I was in shock too! He convinced me I could sing so we sang "Why" together) If he was to teach or preach, I listened and helped him practice. I could have easily done this the rest of my life; I loved supporting Bryan but I also felt a nudge for something that I was missing. When the accident occurred, I walked off the bus towards my brothers car to leave for the hospital and I remember thinking "Please, not a widow ministry God."

I think God gave me that conversation with Bryan on our last date together for a reason. We talked about all sorts of serious topics, reflected on 10 years of marriage, and even talked about our future. It may sound like a boring way to celebrate our 10 years but that was our relationship. We were best friends enjoying each others company and planning the future. So, as I begin my new "ministry" for sharing how God carries me daily, provides for me, and loves me through my grief, ask yourself....Are you allowing God to show Himself through your life?

God is the Giver of Life- part 2

2010-11-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

"Bryan! What are you doing? Pull your pants up! We are in Bible study!" I was panicked! One minute, Bryan was sitting at the table at my Aunt Patty's house leading our churches small group and the next he hit the floor, took his belt off and was taking his pants off. (He at least had on boxers, but this was traumatic). He could hardly talk but said it hurt to breath and needed his clothes off. Bryan was the Praise and Worship Pastor at that time and we had about 8 church members watching him strip. If you knew Bryan, your probably laughing because somehow you can imagine this scenario. My father was at the Bible study and we loaded Bryan in the car, drove a long distance from CR 210 to the hospital (It was a very long ride- Bryan didn't handle pain very well). I was convinced at his pain level that an organ must have ruptured. In the end, it was a very small kidney stone. I hear they are painful, but taking clothes off in Bible study? That was my Bryan! Who knew that years later, Bryan's kidneys would save 2 peoples lives.

About a month after Bryan went home to Jesus, my new God-given friend Jennifer Richardson said that God had laid it on her heart to have a Bryan Turner Benefit Day. There's no arguing with Jennifer especially if God tells her to do something. So, she organized this amazing day along with Tami Kinsman to host craft vendors, a bake sale, motorcycle ride etc. I have to say it was a healing day for me in many ways. In preparation for the benefit day, Jennifer visited an art market trying to solicit vendors for this event. Before she was "run off" for soliciting- (sorry Jen, it's part of the story), she met a women who had questions about the "pastor on the flyer." She wanted to know if Jennifer personally knew our family. She then told Jennifer that she believed her future son-in-law received Bryan's kidney. Huh?

I started correspondence with this women with Jennifer as the mediator. Information was lining up, dates, times, her future son-in-laws age, interests, career etc. As the donor family, I was given select information about the patients who received Bryan's organs. I began wondering, "Did Jennifer really by chance run into this lady and I have now found the first recipient after only 8 weeks?"

The Bryan Turner Benefit Day was over around 4 pm. As vendors started packing their things, a very tall, handsome Hispanic American man walked through the door way with his family. When I saw him, I just knew who he was. My heart chuckled inside because I could imagine Bryan so proud that this handsome Hispanic American received his kidney. Bryan's great- grandfather was Hispanic and he was proud of this heritage. I could tell that he was nervous to meet me. We sat to talk along with his father, fiance and my father. There were others in very close proximity.

I asked all of the technical questions, what is your blood type, when were you called to the hospital, what hour was the surgery etc. He 100% matched the random personal information about the recipient; Questions really only the recipient would know. With all of that information, do you know what convinced me the most that this man had Bryan's kidney? His testimony. He was a young 28-year old male on dialysis with a unique illness that shouldn't fit his profile. He had felt a call to ministry but avoided the call for personal reasons. He felt that God may have allowed this illness in his life to give him a wake-up call and to follow his calling. When he was called in to receive the kidney, Bryan's story was in the news and newspapers. His fiance said she just new that he was getting Bryan's kidney. Ironically, the recipients fiance and father both had a week long vacation planned the week of Bryan's accident. So, when I referred to Bryan's accident as "with purpose"- It's hard not to think that God knew Bryan would be departing and that he was making provisions for this beautiful family to have life. This recipient felt that at 28-yrs old, he was nearing the end. He had a planned wedding 3 months away that he was not guaranteed to be at. He was also marrying a women with 2 small children; That in itself was reassurance for myself that God takes care of single mothers. How fitting that Bryan's kidney would go to a young man who felt called to ministry.

The organ donation process really has been the "silver-lining" that helps me cope with the loss of Bryan. I love the fact that others get a second chance at life. I am eagerly waiting to meet the other recipients. I am telling the truth when I say that I have not questioned God for taking Bryan. I will give Bryan alot of credit for teaching me the nature of who God really is. I have a complete understanding that God can use us in any way He sees fit in order to accomplish His perfect plan and for His glory. Bryan accomplished God's will for his life and he was given eternal-life.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 6:23

God is the Giver of Life- part 1

2010-11-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

"And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

I asked, "How bad are his brain injuries?" The doctor replied, "it is grim." I said, "Well, you don't know who this man is. I have hundreds of people praying for a miracle." From the doctors mouth, "Well, your prayer should be that Lazarus is raised from the dead." I said sharply, "So be it!" I genuinely prayed that God would raise Bryan from the dead; I could see in his eyes that his spirit was gone. Many pastors prayed over him, I would later find out the church community was praying, family and friends gathered around, in fact, Psalm 150 Funk friends Quincy, Paul and Trent were granted special visitation one night from like 2am- 6 am (and were also asked to "tone it down"). I can imagine hearing Paul's laugh blaring through the trauma unit!

Bryan's brain injuries were unique. His entire body was intact and without a broken bone with the exception of his head, which was a miracle in itself. His brain injury was one of the worst they had seen, but what made it unique was the actual injury to the brain stem. His main injury was a slice to the base of the neck as if his injury were intentional or "with purpose," I will say. What I learned is that a person is not considered brain dead until their brain stem is severed or has lost all function. Although Bryan's brain was "gone" his brain stem still had function because he was able to breath about 3 breaths in addition to his life support. The doctor told me that a person on life support rhythmically will continue to breath on their own after they have been on life support for about 12 days. Keep in mind, I am still in shock and praying for a miracle. I just looked at the doctor and said "What are you telling me?" His response was very clear: If I keep Bryan on life support too long, once removed, his body could breath on its own for 60 years because he has a healthy 35 year old heart; I was faced with a worst case scenario: Remove his life support soon or possibly have a "vegetable- doctors words" for 60 years. For two days, I had to consider how Bryan would want to live. Can I remove his life support? I felt like I was faced with the biggest moral dilemma of my life. My answer to the doctors " I cannot remove his life support, so do not mention it again."

My new prayer became "Ok God, either raise Bryan from the dead or take him from me because I cannot remove his life support." I had all sorts of crazy thoughts over the course of those two days. What if Bryan was one of those people who was in a coma for 20 years and just woke up one day! That would be so Bryan. What if God raised him from this current hopelessness? "God you know Bryan would use this new testimony to witness to thousands!" I have never believed something so much in my life, but I truly believed that God would breathe life back into Bryan. After two days of my new prayer, Bryan's body temperature climbed and he had a seizure. The seizure caused the herniation that would damage the brain stem beyond repair. He was legally pronounced dead the following day. His mother and I were still looking for that miracle. We requested a follow up CT scan. I asked to have his life support temporarily removed to see if he could breathe at least one breath by himself. Our PCP and family friend "Dr. Pat" as Benjamin refers to her sat in that trauma unit and reviewed records for me. For the sake of my children, I had to know we humanly had done everything we could to save his life. There was nothing. "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away." Bryan continued on life support in order to be an organ donor.

Bryan's physical death allowed 4 people to have life-saving organ transplants. His heart, both kidneys, and liver were transplanted. I like the fact that his heart has never stopped beating on this earth! (literally) The protocol for organ transplants is that after one years time, I have the option of meeting the recipient family if they want to meet me. Well, God's timing is not always man's timing! To be continued......

God sends His comfort through people

2010-11-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the theme song of Saddleback Ranch Vacation Bible School music over the Jesus Bus sound system when I heard my father hit the steering wheel and scream "No, God, No!" That's when my son and I looked forward to see Bryan struggling for air on the road. I couldn't breath myself. I turned the music off, consoled my son, and called my mom. I only remember saying something like "I can't breath, I think Bryan is dead, I need Chad (my brother) to come get Benjamin." I could not even tell her what street I was on and our church friends live there.

Chad was my first God- sent person. He took Benjamin to my mother and me to the trauma unit. My father and our children's pastor unfortunately saw the entire event and were forced to stay at the scene for hours. Chad held my hand, heard my tears and my constant mumbling "this is not real." He went before me in all areas when I felt I could not; He made sure Bryan was "intact" before I saw him in the E.R. He later would manage my financial responsibilities because money has no value when you lose your loved one. I was in shock and he was in work mode for me.

Bryan's Aunt Pam was my second God- sent person. With her medical background and love for Bryan, she stood by Bryan's mom and I daily; She monitored his progress and took notes from the doctors; It's hard to explain but I was in such a state of shock that you could tell me information and I could not retain it. I needed to know that everything was being done to save his life and she asked the right questions.

God continued to send people daily who would comfort me, help me, and provide for me and the children. I do not think I will ever be able to properly thank everyone who helped me during this time. My greatest connection has been my new Bible study group. I remember Jennifer Richardson (married to Quincy- writer/singer for Bryan's band Psalm 150 Funk from back in the day) saying something along the lines of "God has told me to be your friend, so you are stuck with me." I have to say that I love Jennifer for always saying exactly what she feels and always following her convictions. So, Jennifer has this amazing friend, Janice Foster, who wanted to do a Bible study on the book of Ruth. I was invited to participate and then I invited my friend Jennifer Young. Janice is an amazingly warm and comforting person. Her hugs make my flood gates open, so I do have a "no hugging policy" with her when I need to look presentable. Jennifer Young has been my friend since I met Bryan and she was there for me when I lost him. She is our happy, always smiling or laughing friend. We all share something in common: we have lost very important people in our lives. Jennifer R. gave birth to a baby that had already seen the face of Jesus. Janice lost her brother to suicide and best friend to cancer. Jennifer Y. hugged her father goodbye as he took his last breath. I lost the father of my children with no warning. We are the "4 J's" (yes, we are that dorky).

This Bible study group has been my life-line for connecting with people who have experienced loss and continue to breath and walk. I hear kind people say to me almost daily, "you are so strong;" The truth is I am so fragile that I still cannot remove Bryan's dirty dress shirt and pants from his dresser door. I am in a situation where I must be dependant on God for comfort (that God-given joy that is promised to me in the mornings). I have said many times over the last 4 months, I have no idea how people cope with death outside of the understanding that Jesus died for all and offers comfort to those in need.

My biggest concern has been for my children to have that same God-given comfort with their limited ability to understand. I pray daily that God will speak to my children's heart and give them an understanding that I cannot to communicate to their young minds. Benjamin randomly will tell people his daddy is dead. He usually receives a long startled look followed by a "I am so sorry" comment. Well, last week we were driving through our almost daily visit to Chick-fil-a and Benjamin rolled the window down. He looked at the man in the window and said "my daddy died." I didn't know what to say to the man, but before I could say anything, the man leaned down to Benjamin's level and said, "My dad died in February and he was a preacher." "The great thing is that Jesus already defeated death and we will see our dads again one day." I just about fell out of the car. I thought "Thank you Jesus for sending people to comfort my son." I cried all of the way home (behind my sunglasses) and Benjamin had a happy/content demeanor.

James 1:2-4, 12 offers insight into why we face trials....
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters (believers),whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

~ Joy

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5b

2010-11-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

There is no typo. I am looking for the God-given joy that comes with the morning and choosing not to be "Joy in Mourning." My precious husband Bryan went home to live with his heavenly father this summer. I am typically a private person and very shy at times, but I have a sweet Godly friend who insists that I have something to share. So, I am taking a walk on the "blog" side.

I have a vivid memory of rocking my second newborn baby boy about 7 months ago and thinking to myself, I love my life. I had a husband who loved me, 2 beautiful boys, I was on maternity leave from work and my day consisted of holding a baby and picking my 4-year old up from school. I only had to return to work for 5 weeks and then I was off again for the summer! Bryan, the boys and I had about 4 wonderful weeks of summer and then on July 10th, 2 days after our 10-year wedding anniversary, God allowed Bryan to depart.

Bryan, my father, our oldest son, our children's pastor and myself gathered on "The Jesus Bus" (http://www.thejesusbus.com/) and went across the street from our church to invite the neighborhood to vacation bible school. The first street we drove to would be our last that morning. As Bryan got off the bus to quickly stroll across the street towards a family standing in their yard, a car unyielding went around our bus to pass and hit him at full speed. The details are painful but in that instant, the Holy Spirit was already speaking to my heart and my young son. My son cried out "daddy is dead" over and over and I held him and repeatedly said "Jesus will heal daddy."

I really do not know what direction to take with this "blog" because I didn't even know of blogging until my friend suggested it. What I do know is that since this tradegy my "blinders" are off. I love Bryan's frequent quote "There is a new statistic out on death; 10 out of every 10 people die. Are you ready? Do you know Jesus?" I will die one day. YOU will die one day. As hard as the last 4 months have been for me, I never want to return to the frame of thinking that "this life is so great." Don't take me the wrong way, God purposely gives us blessings, but we should not forget our purpose in living this life. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

I may weep at night but I also look forward to "Joy in the Morning"~Joy Turner